7.21.17

I officially have a boyfriend. I haven’t said those words in almost 3 years. This whole thing is really exciting and nerve-wracking but honestly I have not felt like this in such a long time and I don’t really know what to do about it. Basically the other day I had off so I went down to his shore house and we grabbed dinner and walked on the beach together and then we hung out with his roommate and grabbed a few drinks and it was honestly just perfect. It didn’t feel forced or weird or like we were trying too hard. It was just really nice to be spending time with him and doing something other than spending time in bed. Before we went to bed, he told me that he was really happy about us and what we are doing. He was like when I took time after we talked and thought about never seeing you again, I got the worst feeling in the pit of my stomach and I realized I didn’t want to stop seeing you. And when I thought about us being together it felt like yeah that could work. He ended the conversation saything thanks for kicking my butt into shape and making me get my shit together. Not only did we have such a great day, but then he told me all of that and I couldn’t stop smiling.

So a couple days later, my friends were talking about going to a bar which is near his shore house. For some reason, the entire time that my friend was talking about going out I was just getting stressed out and worried. It was stressing me out knowing that I was going to be so close to boy toy without him knowing. I decided rather than freaking out, to tell him like a normal person and when I told him he was just like soooo I might meet you out, do you want to sleepover. And that’s exactly what happened. I went out with my two friends and we met up with boy toy and it was just great. We were causally drinking at first, and he started talking about future plans and that in itself just made me insanely happy. It was nice to be talking about future stuff and to hear him thinking about me in things he is planning on doing in the future. A little later I left him to go dance with my friends and of course while we were dancing there was a group of guys encroaching on us. One of them defintely wanted to dance with alex but we were all surrounded but all of a sudden, boy toy comes out of no where and starts putting on the major moves basically pushing all the other guys out of the way. I started dying becasue it was so funny how perfectly executed his plan was. So I got to dance with my man and then later he walked me around to show me other parts of the bar (which was huge by the way). At one point we were just kinda hanging out and making out and he told me he’s not huge into pda, which I would say I am totally okay with. I don’t need to be looking like I am about to have sex on a bar. But the way he said it was a little weird, because he was like I’m not really into pda but all I want to do is kiss you. So we might have to explore that one a little bit more. He also told about how when he told one of few mutual friends that we have that we were offiical and becoming more serious that the guy was like just like finally, it’s about time. So boy toy started going on about how he was such an idiot and that he didn’t mean to be an asshole. I was just like you have nothing to apologize for. After we got back to the house at the end of the night he brough up both things again. The pda thing he was like I’m not really comfortable with it and I was like that’s fine we don’t have to do it and his response was we are in a relationship and just because I don’t really want to do something doesn’t mean we can’t do it. Sooo not really sure what conclusion we came up with there. I kinda feel like he’s talking about being pda around people that we know. Like not being that couple that is super coupley when they are hanging out with other people. He also was just like I feel like such an idiot. I waited around for so long and was an asshole to you and I really hope I shut that one down. I was just like stop there is nothing to apologize for, we were single and it’s fine. This is not something that you have to worry about or think about.

At one point we both mentioned that we trust each other and that we aren’t worried about anything weird like that happening. I also was like can we never become a lame couple. I don’t want to be that couple that never does anything apart or always goes home early and people don’t really want to hang out with. I want to be a couple that people like third wheeling with us because they always have a good time. I don’t know the whole evening was really nice and it just feels like he really is taking this seriously which makes me excited to see how things go.

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7.8.17

This week I have been overly dramatic about the men in my life. As we all know, I have been in a pretty long term “situationship” as the internet has classified it. It has been awhile with this one and even though we have gone through a lot of phases with handling things differently it has worked out well. Until when I start thinking about how he is made me his part time girlfriend. When we started talking together after all the drama happened with me moving, I promised myself that I wouldn’t invest myself into this thing ever again. Although I have kept my distance and haven’t invested that much time I still have been 100% available. And for all of the shitty things he has done to me, from cancelling last minute, not responding to me, not hearing from him for weeks; he makes it so easy to forget all of that.

Now I’ve also been recently talking to a trainer from the gym. We have gone out on a few dates, he has been over my apartment, and he’s met my best friend and my work bff. I talk to him a lot more consistently and he has mentioned that he is into me. But not just wanting to hook up kind of interested in me, he’s interested in the having the real deal with someone. When he first told me, I kind of brushed it off because I haven’t thought of myself dating anyone in awhile. I mean I go out with guys but there hasn’t been anyone yet who has seemed worth anything. But he has been the first guy who has made me wonder what it would be like to get back into a relationship that wouldn’t be Boy 1.

So because I have been thinking about committing to Boy 2, I decided to tell Boy 1 that I’ve been talking to someone else and if he asks me out, I am going to commit to him. Boy 1 was like oh okay and didn’t really say much after that. This was last week. Fast forward to Monday, and I was innocently talking to Boy 1 about my roommates kitten. The kitten had done something cute and I know that Boy 1 is obsessed with the kitten. As we were talking, Boy 1 brought up that he was bummed that he wouldn’t get the chance to see the kittens anymore. So he started talking about how I was giving mixed signals because I was talking about future hangouts with him but then I dropped in that I was seeing someone else. We started talking about it and I was just saying that I don’t know what he wants from me because we aren’t dating and it’s frustrating not having any real stance in his life. After talking with him for over an hour, I asked him to come over the following night. I mainly told him to come over because even though I’ve checked in to see what we were doing in person, we never really talk about what’s going on in person and we have had the conversation one to many times over text.

Fast forwarding to last night. He came over and we hung out like everything was normal mainly because I was too nervous to bring up anything. I was like falling asleep while I was watching the office so I finished my episode and he asked if it would be okay if he watched an episode while I went to bed, which was totally fine. But didn’t end up watching an episode because I then brought up what we had been talking about the prior night. The advice that I got from my sister was to just let my guard down and tell him how I was feeling which I think for the first time I did. I didn’t pretend to be chill, I didn’t pretend to be indifferent, and I didn’t pretend when certain things hurt. I let him know that I don’t want to be that girl that in a year from now we are in the same exact position we are in now. That this other guy made me realize that I want someone to want me and that I want to be someone’s something more but that I want it to be Boy 1 and not Boy 2. But that I can’t keep doing what we are doing because it is not enough.

He was kinda all over the place with his responses. At one point he asked if this would be it and I responded yeah it would be his entire body tensed up and it felt like he couldn’t hold me tight enough. He kept trying to reiterate that it wasn’t me and that he does care about me a lot and that it’s not about being able to go after other girls because he has told me over and over again that he hasn’t hooked up with anyone else in such a long time nor does he approach girls when he is out.

It honestly boils down to two reasons why he feels like he is not mentally ready to be in a relationship. The first reason is the fact that he doesn’t know what school he is going to in the fall of 2018 and he is worried about how up in the air everything is regarding his schoolling. He mentioned that he didn’t want to invest time into something when he might just being leaving in a year. I made the point though that even though we are not date he is still investing time into me. Especially since he said he was really jealous and upset when he found out I was talking to another guy. The second reason is he has a really weird perspective of what a relationship would be like. He thinks that being in a relationship means that he would have to give up his alone time and being an individual person which is not the case at all. I have never been the type of person who wants to put what I want on hold for someone else. For some reason he thinks that if he commits then he won’t be able to hang out with friends which is totally stupid. I have never been the type of person who when I’m seeing someone else I decide to drop everyone else that I know. I value my friendship and tend to maintain them because they are important to me. So to think that someone else’s fear of a relationship is because they think they won’t get time with the friends is just ridiculous. I don’t need to be constantly by your side, nor do I need someone constantly with me. I don’t care if my guy wants to have guys night or hangs out with his friends a lot. I think it’s healthy that two people can do their own thing and then be able to come back to each other.

So we ended the night with him asking for some time which I agreed to. I have two reasons for being okay with having to wait for an answer. The first is I feel like I said my piece and he understands where I am. I made sure to make him know that if he doesn’t want to date (which I would not be mad about) that I really am stepping away from him. More importantly I told him that I wouldn’t be coming back in a month and I don’t want him to crawl back in a month saying he made a mistake. When he makes his decision that is what I am going to go on. The second reason I had is I felt like I was given a lot more time to think about how I felt about him, and dating in general and it didn’t feel fair to not give him the chance to process what I was saying, At this point, I just have to see what he says and go from there.

5.26.17

This weekend I am flying out to San Diego with my sister. It was my graduation gift to her a trip just the two of us. I am really excited to go but this trip has been stressing me out. This month was a high spending month for me because I had to replace all of my breaks which cost me way more than I was anticipating and then I had to pay for the airbnb, a car rental, and now the actual trip itself. I have the money and I am not actually struggling but, it has been stressful spending so much this month and not putting a lot into my savings, actually taking money out of my savings which was a gut dropping realization I had to make. I know rationally that the point of a savings is for when things happen like when you need new brakes so that you can pay for them without going into debt but, in my head my savings has always been there so that I can have enough money to move. And so I have been internalizing the fact that I had to put my money towards brakes which is making my decision to go away on vacation seem a bit frivilous.

To top it off, I have been really thinking about what my next step is in regards to my career. I have been at my job for a full year, I know SHOCKER. But with my lease going to be up in October and I know that I don’t want to move back home I have been stressing out over what I should do next. A big part of me really just wants to pack up and move out of the state. It is what I have wanted to do for such a long time. I never thought when I was graduating that I was going to move back to New Jersey and yet I have been here for a full two years. It is just scary to think that I am getting further and further away from my original plans but at the same time they are still goals which I have. And now being in NJ with my job which is in the field that I want to be in and has been giving me opportunities which might not come from other jobs. I know that once I get my masters I will move out of the state or even potential go out of state for my masters but either way I know that being here is not forever because I don’t want it to be forever and I am going to do everything that I can to put myself in the position to achieve anything I want to.

4.30.17

This is honestly just become a place for me to vent every time something in my love life changes. I guess because every other part of my life is pretty consistents. My job is good, even though I think my next post is going to be a vent about what I should be doing next because that has been something that is constantly stressing me out and I have just pretending it is something that I don’t actually have to think about. And I do have exciting news, I booked my sister and I flights out to San Diego!!!!! I am soooo pumped to be back in San Diego. Clearly I loved it soo much that it will be my second time there in less than a year. Seriously, I don’t know if it was because it was my first time out there but I have never felt so at home and like in place with somewhere (other than DC obviously) than when I was there back in September. Now I get to take my sister out west, it will be her very first time. I am so excited I cannot wait. I have been planning out all of the things that I want to see with her and more importantly all the places that I want to eat and drink. We are going to rent a car and just experience the beach and downtown and pretend weare super SoCal.

I guess that was a decent life update. Also a bunch of my friends are moving around right now which is super exciting for everyone. Even though life is so confusing and it really does sound like no one knows what is going on, it is exciting to here about what everyone is up to and the cool things that people are getting themselves into. And now I feel like I am rambling more so that it looks like I am concerned about more things than just boys. The weirdest thing is though, boys are the thing that I am least concerned about. Like when something weird happens, I just shake my head and think well they will be back I am not worried about it. And that has been true for basically everything that has been happening. I have so much stuff going on with work and friends and my family that I don’t sit and obsess over what boy toy might have said or done or what he didn’t say or do. You know it just is it what it is.

Anyways, the new development is I have a date this weekend. Not a date with any of my old suspects but actually a first date with someone new. I am really excited and nervous, it is just so weird because I haven’t been on a date with someone new in a really really long time. Like I always go out with people who I have been seeing for a while now and I have been doing the almost relationship thing with boy toy for so long that it hasn’t been new in a very long time. I mean I still get excited and a little nervous to see him everytime I do see him but when I am with him it is just very very comfortable. I know him, and I know how he will respond to most things that I say and I don’t worry about upsetting him. Like this guy, as much as we are not a couple, he has been around for some time that he has seen me go through some shit and like I never have to explain who I am talking about or re-explain who people are. As much he might have not wanted to know, he knows my family and knows of our family dynamic, knows of my friends (and some of there issues), knows of my job issues. This new guy is completely new and so I have to explain everything to him when I start talking to him. But its refreshing to have someone new who isn’t a habit. I don’t know how he is going to react or how things are going to go. And that is really exciting.

3.23.17

The past few months have made me realize how much I appreciate being single. So my both my sister and my best friend went through a break up. My only married friend is questioning whether or not she wants to be married, my roommates have been going through a rough patch and my other best friend is thinking about moving out by herself but to let her boyfriend stay with her as much as he needs and possibly pay for groceries.

As much as people talk about the benefits with being in a relationship I just cannot see how for my situation, a relationship would work for me. I mean I guess for other people it works out great, but for me I just feel like it would be an awful idea. I have no idea where I will be the in the next year, no idea what my next job looks like, no idea what city I want to be living in. I just don’t know how I could bring someone else into the uncertainity which my life is right now. I mean I am already so confused about what I want to do next and what will be best for me, I can’t not even imagine having to take another person’s opinions and wishes into consideration. I am a selfish person and I want to make sure that I am doing everything that I can in order to make sure that I am happy. If I had to take into account another person’s happiness, I don’t think it would work. I mean I am always willing to do whatever other people need from me and I hope to be helping provide support for the people around me but, I am not ready to compromise on the things which I think I want for someone else. I’m only 23 for pete’s sake. I don’t need to be asking someone else what I should or shouldn’t be doing. Like of course in the future I want to settle down and start a family and the idea of having someone as an equal and someone to support me sounds amazing but right now I need to do my own thing and figure out my what I want out of my own life before I combine it with someone else.

2.7.17

I’ve noticed that quite recently, driving time has become self-reflection time. I rant to myself about things that bothered me in the day, I replay scenarios (some real, some that I wish would happn), but most of the time I think about how lucky I am to be in the position that I am in while also wonder how I can possibly old enough to be playing the role of an adult. I mean it isn’t really playing a role, I am an adult. I work a 8:30-5:30 eveyday, I pay rent, I do laundry once a week, and now have a routine. I feel like I have finally reached a point where I have taken control of most aspects of my life.

Even though I am happy with what I am doing right now, it always feels like I need to be and should be doing more. I feel like I should be taking on more responsiblity at work and sometimes it feels as if I am doing the bare minimum which frustrates me. At the same time though, doing more sometimes is exhausting and if I am only focused on improving myself at my job than other aspects of my life feel like they have to suffer. I also have no idea what I want my next step to be. I know for certain that I do not want to be in NJ next fall. By the fall, I will be living in NJ since graduation for two years and three months and honestly I think enough is enough. I never wanted to be the girl from high school that stayed in the area. I went to school five hours away, clearly I’ve always had a drive to leave my comfort zone and try something new. As much as I am learning and growing as an adult here, it just feels as if nothing really happens here. There are no people to meet, no where to go out, and no place to meet people. At the end of the day, my friends in the area are mostly from my high school as is my hookup buddy. I look at other groups of friends who haven’t left and I look down upon them, but honestly how can I when I am doing the exact same thing. It is not that I feel like I have something to prove to anyone, it is just that it feels like there is more opporunities outside of the state versus inside.

So, I have started to really think about what moving to California would look like for me. I’ve started thinking about different job opporunities out there, what a move would look like, thinking about how much it would cost me, etc. I think being out in California for two or three years would be an incredible experience. It could be great not only my career but also for personal growth. If not Cali, then definetely DC. I mean I already planned on moving there once and then got the job offer here in NJ but after the time that I have spent at my job, I think that finding a job would not be as discourgaing as the first time around. So the next six months are all about me figuring out what I want to do and how I am going to accomplish it. A lot of the time it feels super daunting but I think with enough time and commitment, I will be doing something great come September.

1.22.17

First post of 2017. This month has been full of surreal and self-reflection moments. I find myself driving into work most mornings excited and in awe of where I am right now. Sometimes I just get the sense that there the work I am doing, I am doing for a reason and that there is more in store for me that I am preparing for now. It might be egotisical or narcissistic (as I google how to spell narcissictic) but I really do think that my path in life is going to lead down to some incredible things. I am currently reading this book Start with Why, which my chief of staff gave to everyone in the office. It really is a facisnating way to look at the things you are doing in life and figuring out why you are doing them, rather than simply explaining what you are doing. So I am currently trying to formulate why I want to work and why I want to make an impact. Once I fully conceptulize it I will write it down but I am still working on the full why.

Anyways, this month has had plenty surreal moments. Sometimes staffing on the weekend all the time is extremely tiring and frustrating but at the same time it can be very rewarding. For instance, at the ACA rally, being in a room with almost the entire Democratic delegation was just crazy. I was standing with Congresspeople and Senators and it was just a normal Sunday. People wait in line for hours to get to shake Senator Booker’s hand, while I was simply holding the door and he walked up to me and shook my hand and asked how I was doing. Being a congressional staffer is sometimes the weirdest thing. Or how being part of the Women’s March didn’t mean I was just marching but I was staffing the March. I got into the Hall simply by stating that I was staff, I stood at the very front of the line, got pictures of my boss starting out the march and I was with other staffers who were doing the same exact thing. It’s in those moment where even though my position is little and I am super junior staff, it is still incredible to be part of this movement and this wave of politics. It makes me thankful that I had to wait this long to get this job because, I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else (well maybe in DC but that’s different). If I had gotten the job working in the Assembly office or if I had been working in the nonprofit world, I would not be experienceing the things which I have been going through, nor would I be learning the things that I think will greatly benefit me as I continue working in my career. So yes, even though it was devastating the time right after graduation not having a job, I honestly think I am in the exact place that I am supposed to be.

12.31.16

I have been meaning to write for awhile with different subject areas and venting moments that I wanted to share, but most of the time I just didn’t know what to say. It is ironic when looking at my last post I reflected on my year as a 22 year old and now I want to reflect on just the past year in general.

2016 might not have been a good year for the world, but for me it was pretty incredible. I feel like I am about to repeat a lot of what I talked about in my last post, and I should definetely get better about writing about daily occurances than just reflecting every couple  months but I really do believe that self-awareness is key in succeeding in life. So I am going to reflect again.

2016 started out pretty shaky. I was still unemployed, living with my parents, just finishing up an internship in the governmental sector which I refused to tell anyone about because I didn’t want to be the girl who was just working at barnes and noble, and basically totally lost about what I wanted to do. I remember for months just aggressively applying to any and every job which I came across. I would go to Starbucks, or Panera, or another Barnes and Noble; pretending to be at my intership but instead just applying to jobs, hoping something would stick. In the middle of January, something did stick and I ended up with three interviews for a job in the nonprofit world. I remember going down to DC for the interview and being super nervous and excited and just wanting it to work out. I remember not getting that job and then going through the same process with a different office only to be denied by them as well. I remember waking up in the middle of the night in a panic, thinking that I should be doing more. Writing more emails, contacting more people, sending out more resumes. When I think about how many cover letters I wrote and how many applications I actually sent out, it makes me sick. I remember being so desperate and so lost that the only thing that I could think of was to move to the area where I wanted to live. Thinking about my decision to pack up and move to DC now seems insane. I had barely any money, still no job prospects, no place to live. The only thing that I had was that I was going to start working at a Barnes and Noble (part time) in NOVA and possibly start using a temp agency. Again I seriously do not know what I was thinking, but I also remember being beyond desperate to start doing something with my life. I needed to be more proactive than I was being and that was the step that I wanted to take. In the end I obviously got hired back in NJ and ended up bringing all my stuff back home, and started working full time in the office which I interned for. It is the running joke that I needed to move to DC in order to find a job in NJ. But, even though things didn’t work out in the way in which I planned, I still am proud of the fact that I made the decision to move and followed through with it. I was willing to do it and I went for it and most people can’t say that they would be able to do that.

So now that I am fully employed, so many other doors began opening up to me. For one, I make a good deal more than when I was working at Barnes and Noble. Enough to move out of my parents house and live in an apartment on my own. I have been able to finance five vacations this year. Maine, Ocean City, San Diego, Disney, and Guadeloupe. I have started to put money away for my step. I am hoping to start a retirement account next year. And I hope to continue to be able to explore the world and create memories rather than owning more items. I started going to the gym regularly, which although I have fallen off the bandwagon a little bit during the holiday season, I am excited to get back on the horse next week and to continue to push myself so that I see results (particularly in my ass).

As for my social life, things have been gererally been great. I have reconnected with some people from high school who I didn’t talk to much during college but by living in our hometown it is nice to reconnect. I have made sure to continue to nurture my old friendships, both from high school and college. Although it is hard sometimes and I have to do a better job with some of my college friends, I will say that I think I have done better than most especially considering that my college is 5 hours away and most of my friends live out of state. I still have a great relationship with my family. I became a godmother which is just amazing and I cannot be thankful enough. I got a tattoo, which I mean come on is HUGE! I have been seriously talking about getting a tattoo since my senior year of college. And every year since then I talk about it, but continued to put it off. But for some reason this was the time that I decided I really wanted to go through with it. Not only did I get a tattoo, but I somehow convinced my sister and two best friends to get tattoos on the same day as me. Not many people can say that they went to a tattoo parlor with their sister and best friends and got tattoos (espeically their very first ones) all together. That in itself was incredible.

And finally my dating life. This is probably the most and least interesting part of what happened during this year. I started off the year casually pursuing a relationship with a guy who had been a previous fuck buddy. I then decided to move which ended that relationship. I continued to talk to my long distance fuck buddy. Drove three hours one time to get laid, which was honestly just dumb but hey we all do crazy things for sex sometimes. I then embarassingly drunk texted my first fuck buddy which things up again but, this time it wasn’t a relationship, just a friends with benefits thing. Then the friends with benefits thing ended which means I went back to my long distance fuck buddy. And then the friends with benefits reappeared which is when I decided that I wasn’t going to put any effort into that relationship seeing as it never worked.. So for the past five months we have been pretty regularly talking and the past three months we now see each other once a week. All the while, I have gone on a few other dates with some other guys here and there, have gotten a few phone numbers, made out with a few other guys, but nothing really serious. Some days I am really happy with where I am, while other days I hate it. What keeps me grounded in the whole thing is the fact that I have an exit strategy. That I know how I am going to end this thing and so I won’t be stuck in a pseudo relationship for forever. I just sometimes wish that boys had a better sense of their feelings and acted on those rather than what society tells them is cool or rather than being afraid of something going wrong. What is frustrating is the obviousness of someones feelings, particulary with friend with benefits boy but his downright denial of them/ no attempt on acting on it. But other than that it has been a very interesting adventure.

So 2016 was actually vey good to me. And I am excited to work hard and fight for the things that I want to achieve in 2017. It may be a new year, but honestly it is the same me and I am going to continue to be lost and confused on some things but also prove to myself that anything I want can be achieved.

10.6.16

My birthday is in a week and it is amazing to think that a full year has come and gone. A lot has changed in the past year and yet a lot has stayed the same. I mean for one I am fully employed (in NJ no less), I am moving out of my parents house (to an apartment still in NJ… probably even more shocking), I go to the gym four times a week, have been to a lot of new places, am a godmother, and I have short hair. But then I think about how so many other things haven’t changed at all. Like I am still friends with the same people, still go out in New Brunswick way too much, still talking to the same guy (and still having it go no where), still stressed about when I am going to move out of NJ, and stressed about money.

It is amazing to think that I have gone through so many experiences and I feel like I have learned alot and yet I do not feel any closer to being an adult or having my life together. I still have no idea what my next step is or what I want to do with my life. And that in itself is such a hard and stressful question. I mean it is a little less worriesome because I do have a full time job in the field that I want to be in; however, I also know that I do not want to stay at my current job for forever because there are no opportunities for growth which makes things stressful. I don’t know where I want to move, only that I want to move out of state. I don’t know if I want to go back to school, although if I was to go back to school I would go to law school. I don’t know what my dream job is or what kind of things that I actually want to pursue and all of that is crazy seeing as I didn’t know those things when I was 18 and now at 23 I am still in the same place, but with a little more job experience.

But then again, I am excited that I am starting to budget and to make an effort to travel which is something that I have wanted to do for years but never felt that I was able to. I am taking control of my finances and slowly but surely am becoming more independent whihc is all part of the growing up process. It is also really encouraging to be surrounded by such an amazing support system. I don’t know where I would be if I didn’t have my family. They are such a big part of my life and even though there was some downfalls to living at home for so long, there were a lot of experiences that I got to be a part of that I wouldn’t have if I was far away. I think it was really good to get be a stay at home sister for Jules again and to just continue to see her grow into the person she is going to become. I honestly am really thankful for this time at home and I think when I look back at it when I am older I will realize that I took it for granted.

Luckily for me, it is not just my family that I have to be thankful. I have amazing coworkers that help me get through every single day. And even though I don’t have a lot of friends in the area and most of the times I am a loser, but the friends that I do have are irreplaceable. Just having them always supporting me, sharing my frustrations, and going through similar situations makes everything better and easier to handle.

Although, I still have a lot to learn, like how to be more assertive at work, how to be a better staffer, how to not deal with fuck boys (ugh), I have to say that 22 was pretty good to me. And the best part now is that I will always be the youngest. So as we continue to barrel towards older ages, I have a few months of catch up time before I actually get there.

Anyways! I cannot wait for my birthday next week as I have been excited now for two months for it. It is going to be great to celebrate 23 with amazing people by my side and to see what this next year brings. It’s a little weird to reflect about another year passing as the new year is coming up and I will probably want to talk about again, but I just still couldn’t believe how it is possible that so much can change in one year and yet so much can still be the same.

9.28.16

It’s the end of September and there have been a lot of developments since the last time I wrote. For once, I traveled to DC; Ocean City, Maryland; and San Diego. I went down to DC to visit Kelly, which was so nice. We just spent the time eating and drinking and it was so nice to be back in the city that I love so much. I always have a good time in DC no matter how short the time is and it really was nice to just get away from NJ for a little bit. Then, I went down to Ocean City for four days with Amanda and Brooke which was amazing. OC is such a nice area where the beach was amazing and there were a ton of bars and places to hang out. It was nice to get away from work for a couple of days and to really be able to relax. Seacrets was heaven on earth and we basically spent our entire vacation there which was amazing. My last trip was this past weekend and it was to San Diego. Being in San Diego was just incredible. I took a free flight out there with my Uncle and spent the entire time with my cousin and it was just so nice. I love California so much. Everything about the culture, the atmosphere, the landscape and the people fits with the things which I value and find important. I ate such amazing food and got to see all the coolest things that San Diego has to offer. It was such an incredible experience and I cannot wait to go back.

I have also been feeling really great about myself and the work I have been putting into my body. I have been going to the gym three to four times a week and I think it really has been showing. When I was in Ocean City, I got a lot of compliments on the way that I looked but more importantly I never felt as confident in what I was wearing. When I go to the gym, I still feel self conscious in some of the things that I do, but for the most part I am proud of the type of training that I have been doing and I don’t really worry about what is going on around me. Some days are definitely harder than others, but for the most part I feel good about how it has been going and although some days I don’t feel like I am making progress, I know that I am getting stronger and that certain parts of my body are changing, even if they are small changes.