2.18.16

In the past two months, I have had multiple interviews with two different companies just to have them both turn me down for other people. Investing so much time and excitement into these opportunities only to have them taken away from you is awful. To say the job search is stressful is an understatement. I have woken up in the middle of the night multiple times stressed about not having a job, I dread having dinner with my parents sometimes because of the conversations of jobs that I know is going to ensue, and I am have absolutely no idea what I am doing at this point. It has been 9 months since graduation and I have been freaking out for most of that time but at this point it completely exhausting.

One of the hardest parts is not knowing whether or not the steps I am taking are actually being productive or if I am even on the right path. It is seriously impossible to figure out what will do the trick in landing a full time job. I have had positive feedback from all the poeple who I have talked to regarding my experience, my disposition, and my interviewing skills and yet none of this has secured me a job.

I have watched almost of all my friends get jobs, move out, be productive and it drives me nuts because I know that I am just as capable of doing all of that and more if I was given the opportunity. And it’s just frustrating because I feel like I am not able to really start living my life because of my lack of income, lack of control over my living situation, and just lack of direction.

At this point, I have applied to a bunch of internship positions at pr firms. I figured that I am okay at getting internship positions so to try and get a paid one and gain communication expereince could be beneficial for landing a full time job as well as gaining a skillset that would help advance my overall career. I have an interview next week with a company for one of these positions which is exciting but also nerve-wracking. Who knows if taking a three month position will actually land me a full time position, but I think it would better position me for the future. I know that there is no right way to live and at this point there are so many paths that I could go down but I would like to actually start going down a path.

The worst part about this whole situation is although I hate not having a job, the idea of changing my life is daunting. I know it is not plausabile to keep working part time for barely any money and to keep living at home and I know I am not happy with it but, I don’t want to lose what I have socially. I am surronded with my best friends which I know I won’t lose them but as much as I hate admiting it I don’t want move away from boy toy. And even though probably in 5 years I am going to laugh at myself for saying this, the situation sucks. There just doesn’t seem like no good options when it comes to him. Like if I stay in NJ with a fulltime job that would be one thing but then I’m afraid that I am going to regret never moving to DC. And if I get this internship and move to DC, I have no idea what happens after that. Like do we keep talking, that doesn’t seem pratical because when am I ever going to move back? Which means we are going to end things which a month ago wouldnt have been a big deal and two months ago wouldn’t have even matter but right now it’s going to suck. I am falling for him so much and I haven’t felt this way in almost two years. I’ve had crushes and hook-ups but nothing close to actually falling in love with someone. I just can’t believe that the longer I stay in NJ the less I want to leave and I can’t believe how much I am actaully letting this way on my decisions…

But all of this is irrevelant if I don’t get the job, which I really do want because it is time that I start my career.

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