3.22.16

After two weeks of dealing with uncessary bullshit, my ‘relationship’ has officially ended. Everything went downhill when I started aggressively talking about my move. He was nothing but supportive about the idea of me moving but when I started talking about logistics he completely shut down. He started ignoring my texts and when I wanted to talk in person just completely shut me out. He turned into a total fuckboy. The most frustrating thing about the whole thing is I ended things with him earlier in the relationship saying that I didn’t want to just be a fuck buddy and he was the one who initiated a real relationship the second time around. I never tried to convince him to be more, he was the one who decided to pursue it. And I understand that his feelings might have changed or they never developed in the way he thought that they would have after a while but then he should have expressed that to me rather than just making up excuses once something major happened. I get that long distance would have been hard and especially not knowing what is in store for the future but the way he handled the whole thing and the way he was totally unclear about the whole thing was so wrong.

The whole thing wasn’t a complete waste of time although he totally did waste my time…. For one, it made me realize that I deserve someone who is going to want to be with me all the time. Not just occassionaly or when it is convenient for them but all the time. I deserve someone who wants to tell me about their life and wants to hear about mine, who wants to introduce me to friends and family rather than hide me, and who is supportive and thinks I deserve the world. It also made me realize that I am ready for this kind of person. Before talking to this kid, I had only been pursuing fuck buddy relationships because I wanted to be single. I loved having the freedom and not having to worry about someone else after doing that for 3 years. I definietly needed the space in order to figure out who I am as a single person. Even though I never lost my identity during my relationship and I made sure to nurture and grow all of my friendships it was important to me to be by myself so that I wouldn’t constantly compare my current relationship to my past one and so that I knew that I could fully commit myself to someone else. This guy showed me that I am ready for that. I was falling for him and started feeling things that I hadn’t felt since I was in my long term relationship. It also showed me that I no longer want a fuck buddy. Being so close to dating someone made me realize how much better it is to actaully  be in a relationship rather just fooling around with people.

It is going to take a bit of time for me to get over this kid because I was excited about pursuing something with him but at the end of the day it is probably for the best. I am moving to a new city with so many different options and now I don’t have to worry about where I stand in a not super stable relationship and rather focus on creating a life for myself. The thing that worries me about the move  is my ‘long distance fuck buddy’ will no longer be long distance. So it’s weird for me to say that I have my fuck buddy is long distance especially when I just ranted about not wanting a fuck buddy but it has been that way for so long that I am just used to it. And for the first time in a year and a half we will be in the same place for an extended period of time. What worries me about this is we have played each other so much in that time and I have mentioned how I’m not falling for him and that it doesn’t mean anything but really I could easily fall for him. Once I move I know he is going to want to hook up and I don’t think I can do it for long because I know he is the biggest fuck boy and that I am going to fall for him and it’s just going to be a mess. But there is a small part of me that believes that there is more to it than us being fuck boys. The way things have happened between us and the timing just makes it seem like there has to be more and I know I am trying to make something out of nothing and this is why there willl be a problem because I will think that it can turn into something more even though I already know he is a fuckboy and that it just won’t.

At this point all I can do is enjoy the next couple of weeks that I have at home, get over this boy and get ready for the next phase of my life.

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3.14.16

I am officially moving!!!!!!!!! Since I lived in DC in 2013, I knew that was where I wanted to be. All through senior year I knew that was where I wanted to live, to meet people, to start my own life. To my disappointment, I moved back home after graduation because of a lack of a prospective job. For about nine months now, I have applied to jobs, worked on my resume, talked to connections and still haven’t found anything. I have grown more attached to New Jersey, more attached to my lackluster part-time job, and sort of got comfortable in the thought of staying here rather than working towards moving. While everyone around me has been working toward their future, I have been trying to accept this mediocre life and make it into something that I would be happy in. I don’t know what made me realize that staying in New Jersey is not what I should be doing and that in order to do something with my life I just have to move but either way I have finally said enough, I have to move to DC. And after talking to my parents and hearing them say go for it, I am ready to actually do it. I put in my notice at Barnes and Noble and without a clue of how I am actually going to survive down there, I am now officially moving.

The thought of moving in three weeks is insane but I am so excited and nervous that it’s crazy. It feels amazing to have finally made a decision and to actually pursue it. I feel like since graduation I have been paralyzed by fear, not really making any decisions because they didn’t seem like they would work. And even though living at home hasn’t been bad and I have been making memories and friends which I never want to leave, it is time for me to start working towards being a graduate with a real job, real responsibilities, while still having an amazing time.

I think the best part of this has been the response of all my coworkers at Barnes. People keep coming up to me saying ‘YOU’RE MOVING’ and just being super supportive and excited to see me finally go and do what I’ve been talking about for such a long time. They are all so happy for me and it is that push that really makes me feel like I am making the right decision. I may fall flat on my face but at least I am trying.