6.28.16

So, I hooked up with boy toy this past weekend. I had the house to myself and I invited him over and we hooked up. And it was great. Like it was seriously great. I mean I was super nervous when he first got there and it felt weird to have him in my house and I was just really nervous about the whole thing but we just started making out and it felt amazing. It felt so good to feel him again and to be with him. He is just intoxicating and I can’t give him up. I don’t think I will ever be able to give him up until I move out of NJ unless of course he just cuts me out of his life, which I mean is possible. But the thing is, even though I know he is not committal and he doesn’t make me a priority, I have a feeling he likes the attention and likes how we are together. And I say that because of how when I pull back and let things fall to the wayside, he picks them back up and starts to play ball. Like this weekend, when I mentioned that it sucks that we can’t see each other and doesn’t really make sense for us to be texting if we aren’t going to see each other in person, he immediately tried to come up with a way to see me this week. So no he is not asking me out on dates constantly, or trying really hard to see me, or working for it which like yes I want all those things, but what I’m coming to terms with is the person who is offering all that matters. I have two guys who are taking me on dates and wanting to see me and making the effort and it honestly doesn’t matter to me. Yes I love getting drinks and I love having someone pay for me but honestly, I want boy toy to do it, not these other guys. And that is not going to change until I am no longer in this state.

On the other hand, I am actually looking to move out. The problem I am running into is Lindsey wants one thing and Alex and Amanda want another thing and if I feel like if I don’t get everyone on the same page it won’t work. I know that moving out may not be the best decision but at the same time all of my other friends are living on their own, which just makes me want to live on my own more and more. So hopefully this fall I will be moving out and I’ll be living with my best friends for awhile before I move out of the state.

6.6.16

Jenna’s wedding was two weekends ago and I can honestly say I had such an amazing time. I never knew how much fun a wedding could be. Even though being in the wedding was expensive I loved every minute of it. My escort was so cute and basically my soulmate but he lives in Orlando and has a girlfriend, so now he is the one that got away. And it was really nice to show Sam around Maine and to spend the weekend with her. Since I am working full time and she is now going to start working it was nice to be able to get to spend that time with her.

And then I made the really stupid decision of calling boy toy at the wedding. We talked for a while and I admitted that I missed him and a lot of other stuff that I really shouldn’t have. But he engaged in conversation the whole time. And now a week later I’m not really sure where things are headed. During the weekend wedding we talked a lot, and it was interesting because when he started drinking he started saying how much he missed me and how he had made a mistake in ending things. But then he backtracked the next day and made it seem like he wasn’t super interested in pursuing anything. Then this past weekend, I was drinking a lot (again… I really need to calm down on that) and reached back out to him. Okay, to be fair I was planning on reaching out to him because I didn’t necessarily like how things were left from the previous weekend and I just wanted the excuse of being out. And those messages swung back and forth between us kind of talking about what we are doing and just really inappropriate stuff. The rest of the weekend just felt like we were falling back into how things used to be when we were talking all the time. It just felt normal and nice. We technically made plans to see each other on Friday but I always feel like our plans are tentative, which I am not a super fan about but I can deal with that at another time.
When I think about what I want, I just want to feel validated. It’s not that I’m looking for something super serious and confining. I still want to move in a year and want to go do my own thing and have my own schedule but, I want someone to hang out with and to have to lean on. I’m actually very nervous for meeting up again because it just felt so comfortable talking to him this weekend and I just feel like I am going to fall into things so easily and I’m not sure if that is a good thing or not. I think it will be fine and I am hoping that it works out so we will see what happens.

5.11.16

So, I have officially been at my job for a three weeks and I am honestly shocked. I cannot believe that I have been in the office for that long already. It really does feel great to be fully employed at this point. Although I am tired in the morning and I go to bed way earlier than I used to, it is exciting to be doing work which I enjoy and working for an office which I support. There have been many firsts already (like getting business cards and getting a work phone—a blackberry to be exact which I am ecstatic about) but I am excited to continue to learn new things and to continue to grow in my position.

It is strange though because even though I have a full time job, I am still constantly thinking about what is next. It is probably because for the past 11 months that is what constantly what consumed me. I remember waking up in the middle of the night panicking because I felt as if I wasn’t doing enough. So now when I think about what is next, it is not out of frustration or fear that I am not in an okay position. I know I have job security, and I also know that I will be here for a little bit of time so that it is actually a position that helps me grow professionally. Now I consider the things that I have wanted to do for a while but haven’t been able to actually do, like get a gym membership and get into a gym routine or plan trips which I have wanted to do but haven’t had the funds to go on. And always in the back of my mind is how I eventually plan on getting to the elusive DC. All of these plans though feel much more positive and rather than stressing about them I am excited for the many next steps that I can possibly take.

Besides work I am doing quite a lot of travel this month. I will be in DC for four days (for work training) but I am staying with one of my best friends so, that is time well-spent. I am hoping to enjoy some of my favorite places to eat, hang out with the friends that I have down there, and just enjoy the city seeing as I am unfortunately not living down there like I hoped. And then a week later I head up to Maine for a wedding. I cannot believe that it is already here.

Which brings me to the crazy realization that graduation was a year ago. It is insane for me to think that I have been out of a college for a full year. It doesn’t feel like living in Harrisonburg was so long ago but at the same time it seems as though a lot of time has passed. Although a lot has happened in the past year, it doesn’t feel like much has changed. Except for the fact that I have a job, but I still live at home, still am very single, still don’t have a puppy, and still don’t pay any bills. So in that regards it’s a little weird because I feel like life has been somewhat stagnant, even though I have had blips of change nothing that has been permanent. Now that I have secured employment though, I am hoping to start doing the things that I want to be doing which will hopefully lead to some other changes.