7.21.17

I officially have a boyfriend. I haven’t said those words in almost 3 years. This whole thing is really exciting and nerve-wracking but honestly I have not felt like this in such a long time and I don’t really know what to do about it. Basically the other day I had off so I went down to his shore house and we grabbed dinner and walked on the beach together and then we hung out with his roommate and grabbed a few drinks and it was honestly just perfect. It didn’t feel forced or weird or like we were trying too hard. It was just really nice to be spending time with him and doing something other than spending time in bed. Before we went to bed, he told me that he was really happy about us and what we are doing. He was like when I took time after we talked and thought about never seeing you again, I got the worst feeling in the pit of my stomach and I realized I didn’t want to stop seeing you. And when I thought about us being together it felt like yeah that could work. He ended the conversation saything thanks for kicking my butt into shape and making me get my shit together. Not only did we have such a great day, but then he told me all of that and I couldn’t stop smiling.

So a couple days later, my friends were talking about going to a bar which is near his shore house. For some reason, the entire time that my friend was talking about going out I was just getting stressed out and worried. It was stressing me out knowing that I was going to be so close to boy toy without him knowing. I decided rather than freaking out, to tell him like a normal person and when I told him he was just like soooo I might meet you out, do you want to sleepover. And that’s exactly what happened. I went out with my two friends and we met up with boy toy and it was just great. We were causally drinking at first, and he started talking about future plans and that in itself just made me insanely happy. It was nice to be talking about future stuff and to hear him thinking about me in things he is planning on doing in the future. A little later I left him to go dance with my friends and of course while we were dancing there was a group of guys encroaching on us. One of them defintely wanted to dance with alex but we were all surrounded but all of a sudden, boy toy comes out of no where and starts putting on the major moves basically pushing all the other guys out of the way. I started dying becasue it was so funny how perfectly executed his plan was. So I got to dance with my man and then later he walked me around to show me other parts of the bar (which was huge by the way). At one point we were just kinda hanging out and making out and he told me he’s not huge into pda, which I would say I am totally okay with. I don’t need to be looking like I am about to have sex on a bar. But the way he said it was a little weird, because he was like I’m not really into pda but all I want to do is kiss you. So we might have to explore that one a little bit more. He also told about how when he told one of few mutual friends that we have that we were offiical and becoming more serious that the guy was like just like finally, it’s about time. So boy toy started going on about how he was such an idiot and that he didn’t mean to be an asshole. I was just like you have nothing to apologize for. After we got back to the house at the end of the night he brough up both things again. The pda thing he was like I’m not really comfortable with it and I was like that’s fine we don’t have to do it and his response was we are in a relationship and just because I don’t really want to do something doesn’t mean we can’t do it. Sooo not really sure what conclusion we came up with there. I kinda feel like he’s talking about being pda around people that we know. Like not being that couple that is super coupley when they are hanging out with other people. He also was just like I feel like such an idiot. I waited around for so long and was an asshole to you and I really hope I shut that one down. I was just like stop there is nothing to apologize for, we were single and it’s fine. This is not something that you have to worry about or think about.

At one point we both mentioned that we trust each other and that we aren’t worried about anything weird like that happening. I also was like can we never become a lame couple. I don’t want to be that couple that never does anything apart or always goes home early and people don’t really want to hang out with. I want to be a couple that people like third wheeling with us because they always have a good time. I don’t know the whole evening was really nice and it just feels like he really is taking this seriously which makes me excited to see how things go.

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7.8.17

This week I have been overly dramatic about the men in my life. As we all know, I have been in a pretty long term “situationship” as the internet has classified it. It has been awhile with this one and even though we have gone through a lot of phases with handling things differently it has worked out well. Until when I start thinking about how he is made me his part time girlfriend. When we started talking together after all the drama happened with me moving, I promised myself that I wouldn’t invest myself into this thing ever again. Although I have kept my distance and haven’t invested that much time I still have been 100% available. And for all of the shitty things he has done to me, from cancelling last minute, not responding to me, not hearing from him for weeks; he makes it so easy to forget all of that.

Now I’ve also been recently talking to a trainer from the gym. We have gone out on a few dates, he has been over my apartment, and he’s met my best friend and my work bff. I talk to him a lot more consistently and he has mentioned that he is into me. But not just wanting to hook up kind of interested in me, he’s interested in the having the real deal with someone. When he first told me, I kind of brushed it off because I haven’t thought of myself dating anyone in awhile. I mean I go out with guys but there hasn’t been anyone yet who has seemed worth anything. But he has been the first guy who has made me wonder what it would be like to get back into a relationship that wouldn’t be Boy 1.

So because I have been thinking about committing to Boy 2, I decided to tell Boy 1 that I’ve been talking to someone else and if he asks me out, I am going to commit to him. Boy 1 was like oh okay and didn’t really say much after that. This was last week. Fast forward to Monday, and I was innocently talking to Boy 1 about my roommates kitten. The kitten had done something cute and I know that Boy 1 is obsessed with the kitten. As we were talking, Boy 1 brought up that he was bummed that he wouldn’t get the chance to see the kittens anymore. So he started talking about how I was giving mixed signals because I was talking about future hangouts with him but then I dropped in that I was seeing someone else. We started talking about it and I was just saying that I don’t know what he wants from me because we aren’t dating and it’s frustrating not having any real stance in his life. After talking with him for over an hour, I asked him to come over the following night. I mainly told him to come over because even though I’ve checked in to see what we were doing in person, we never really talk about what’s going on in person and we have had the conversation one to many times over text.

Fast forwarding to last night. He came over and we hung out like everything was normal mainly because I was too nervous to bring up anything. I was like falling asleep while I was watching the office so I finished my episode and he asked if it would be okay if he watched an episode while I went to bed, which was totally fine. But didn’t end up watching an episode because I then brought up what we had been talking about the prior night. The advice that I got from my sister was to just let my guard down and tell him how I was feeling which I think for the first time I did. I didn’t pretend to be chill, I didn’t pretend to be indifferent, and I didn’t pretend when certain things hurt. I let him know that I don’t want to be that girl that in a year from now we are in the same exact position we are in now. That this other guy made me realize that I want someone to want me and that I want to be someone’s something more but that I want it to be Boy 1 and not Boy 2. But that I can’t keep doing what we are doing because it is not enough.

He was kinda all over the place with his responses. At one point he asked if this would be it and I responded yeah it would be his entire body tensed up and it felt like he couldn’t hold me tight enough. He kept trying to reiterate that it wasn’t me and that he does care about me a lot and that it’s not about being able to go after other girls because he has told me over and over again that he hasn’t hooked up with anyone else in such a long time nor does he approach girls when he is out.

It honestly boils down to two reasons why he feels like he is not mentally ready to be in a relationship. The first reason is the fact that he doesn’t know what school he is going to in the fall of 2018 and he is worried about how up in the air everything is regarding his schoolling. He mentioned that he didn’t want to invest time into something when he might just being leaving in a year. I made the point though that even though we are not date he is still investing time into me. Especially since he said he was really jealous and upset when he found out I was talking to another guy. The second reason is he has a really weird perspective of what a relationship would be like. He thinks that being in a relationship means that he would have to give up his alone time and being an individual person which is not the case at all. I have never been the type of person who wants to put what I want on hold for someone else. For some reason he thinks that if he commits then he won’t be able to hang out with friends which is totally stupid. I have never been the type of person who when I’m seeing someone else I decide to drop everyone else that I know. I value my friendship and tend to maintain them because they are important to me. So to think that someone else’s fear of a relationship is because they think they won’t get time with the friends is just ridiculous. I don’t need to be constantly by your side, nor do I need someone constantly with me. I don’t care if my guy wants to have guys night or hangs out with his friends a lot. I think it’s healthy that two people can do their own thing and then be able to come back to each other.

So we ended the night with him asking for some time which I agreed to. I have two reasons for being okay with having to wait for an answer. The first is I feel like I said my piece and he understands where I am. I made sure to make him know that if he doesn’t want to date (which I would not be mad about) that I really am stepping away from him. More importantly I told him that I wouldn’t be coming back in a month and I don’t want him to crawl back in a month saying he made a mistake. When he makes his decision that is what I am going to go on. The second reason I had is I felt like I was given a lot more time to think about how I felt about him, and dating in general and it didn’t feel fair to not give him the chance to process what I was saying, At this point, I just have to see what he says and go from there.