7.8.17

This week I have been overly dramatic about the men in my life. As we all know, I have been in a pretty long term “situationship” as the internet has classified it. It has been awhile with this one and even though we have gone through a lot of phases with handling things differently it has worked out well. Until when I start thinking about how he is made me his part time girlfriend. When we started talking together after all the drama happened with me moving, I promised myself that I wouldn’t invest myself into this thing ever again. Although I have kept my distance and haven’t invested that much time I still have been 100% available. And for all of the shitty things he has done to me, from cancelling last minute, not responding to me, not hearing from him for weeks; he makes it so easy to forget all of that.

Now I’ve also been recently talking to a trainer from the gym. We have gone out on a few dates, he has been over my apartment, and he’s met my best friend and my work bff. I talk to him a lot more consistently and he has mentioned that he is into me. But not just wanting to hook up kind of interested in me, he’s interested in the having the real deal with someone. When he first told me, I kind of brushed it off because I haven’t thought of myself dating anyone in awhile. I mean I go out with guys but there hasn’t been anyone yet who has seemed worth anything. But he has been the first guy who has made me wonder what it would be like to get back into a relationship that wouldn’t be Boy 1.

So because I have been thinking about committing to Boy 2, I decided to tell Boy 1 that I’ve been talking to someone else and if he asks me out, I am going to commit to him. Boy 1 was like oh okay and didn’t really say much after that. This was last week. Fast forward to Monday, and I was innocently talking to Boy 1 about my roommates kitten. The kitten had done something cute and I know that Boy 1 is obsessed with the kitten. As we were talking, Boy 1 brought up that he was bummed that he wouldn’t get the chance to see the kittens anymore. So he started talking about how I was giving mixed signals because I was talking about future hangouts with him but then I dropped in that I was seeing someone else. We started talking about it and I was just saying that I don’t know what he wants from me because we aren’t dating and it’s frustrating not having any real stance in his life. After talking with him for over an hour, I asked him to come over the following night. I mainly told him to come over because even though I’ve checked in to see what we were doing in person, we never really talk about what’s going on in person and we have had the conversation one to many times over text.

Fast forwarding to last night. He came over and we hung out like everything was normal mainly because I was too nervous to bring up anything. I was like falling asleep while I was watching the office so I finished my episode and he asked if it would be okay if he watched an episode while I went to bed, which was totally fine. But didn’t end up watching an episode because I then brought up what we had been talking about the prior night. The advice that I got from my sister was to just let my guard down and tell him how I was feeling which I think for the first time I did. I didn’t pretend to be chill, I didn’t pretend to be indifferent, and I didn’t pretend when certain things hurt. I let him know that I don’t want to be that girl that in a year from now we are in the same exact position we are in now. That this other guy made me realize that I want someone to want me and that I want to be someone’s something more but that I want it to be Boy 1 and not Boy 2. But that I can’t keep doing what we are doing because it is not enough.

He was kinda all over the place with his responses. At one point he asked if this would be it and I responded yeah it would be his entire body tensed up and it felt like he couldn’t hold me tight enough. He kept trying to reiterate that it wasn’t me and that he does care about me a lot and that it’s not about being able to go after other girls because he has told me over and over again that he hasn’t hooked up with anyone else in such a long time nor does he approach girls when he is out.

It honestly boils down to two reasons why he feels like he is not mentally ready to be in a relationship. The first reason is the fact that he doesn’t know what school he is going to in the fall of 2018 and he is worried about how up in the air everything is regarding his schoolling. He mentioned that he didn’t want to invest time into something when he might just being leaving in a year. I made the point though that even though we are not date he is still investing time into me. Especially since he said he was really jealous and upset when he found out I was talking to another guy. The second reason is he has a really weird perspective of what a relationship would be like. He thinks that being in a relationship means that he would have to give up his alone time and being an individual person which is not the case at all. I have never been the type of person who wants to put what I want on hold for someone else. For some reason he thinks that if he commits then he won’t be able to hang out with friends which is totally stupid. I have never been the type of person who when I’m seeing someone else I decide to drop everyone else that I know. I value my friendship and tend to maintain them because they are important to me. So to think that someone else’s fear of a relationship is because they think they won’t get time with the friends is just ridiculous. I don’t need to be constantly by your side, nor do I need someone constantly with me. I don’t care if my guy wants to have guys night or hangs out with his friends a lot. I think it’s healthy that two people can do their own thing and then be able to come back to each other.

So we ended the night with him asking for some time which I agreed to. I have two reasons for being okay with having to wait for an answer. The first is I feel like I said my piece and he understands where I am. I made sure to make him know that if he doesn’t want to date (which I would not be mad about) that I really am stepping away from him. More importantly I told him that I wouldn’t be coming back in a month and I don’t want him to crawl back in a month saying he made a mistake. When he makes his decision that is what I am going to go on. The second reason I had is I felt like I was given a lot more time to think about how I felt about him, and dating in general and it didn’t feel fair to not give him the chance to process what I was saying, At this point, I just have to see what he says and go from there.

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