7.8.17

This week I have been overly dramatic about the men in my life. As we all know, I have been in a pretty long term “situationship” as the internet has classified it. It has been awhile with this one and even though we have gone through a lot of phases with handling things differently it has worked out well. Until when I start thinking about how he is made me his part time girlfriend. When we started talking together after all the drama happened with me moving, I promised myself that I wouldn’t invest myself into this thing ever again. Although I have kept my distance and haven’t invested that much time I still have been 100% available. And for all of the shitty things he has done to me, from cancelling last minute, not responding to me, not hearing from him for weeks; he makes it so easy to forget all of that.

Now I’ve also been recently talking to a trainer from the gym. We have gone out on a few dates, he has been over my apartment, and he’s met my best friend and my work bff. I talk to him a lot more consistently and he has mentioned that he is into me. But not just wanting to hook up kind of interested in me, he’s interested in the having the real deal with someone. When he first told me, I kind of brushed it off because I haven’t thought of myself dating anyone in awhile. I mean I go out with guys but there hasn’t been anyone yet who has seemed worth anything. But he has been the first guy who has made me wonder what it would be like to get back into a relationship that wouldn’t be Boy 1.

So because I have been thinking about committing to Boy 2, I decided to tell Boy 1 that I’ve been talking to someone else and if he asks me out, I am going to commit to him. Boy 1 was like oh okay and didn’t really say much after that. This was last week. Fast forward to Monday, and I was innocently talking to Boy 1 about my roommates kitten. The kitten had done something cute and I know that Boy 1 is obsessed with the kitten. As we were talking, Boy 1 brought up that he was bummed that he wouldn’t get the chance to see the kittens anymore. So he started talking about how I was giving mixed signals because I was talking about future hangouts with him but then I dropped in that I was seeing someone else. We started talking about it and I was just saying that I don’t know what he wants from me because we aren’t dating and it’s frustrating not having any real stance in his life. After talking with him for over an hour, I asked him to come over the following night. I mainly told him to come over because even though I’ve checked in to see what we were doing in person, we never really talk about what’s going on in person and we have had the conversation one to many times over text.

Fast forwarding to last night. He came over and we hung out like everything was normal mainly because I was too nervous to bring up anything. I was like falling asleep while I was watching the office so I finished my episode and he asked if it would be okay if he watched an episode while I went to bed, which was totally fine. But didn’t end up watching an episode because I then brought up what we had been talking about the prior night. The advice that I got from my sister was to just let my guard down and tell him how I was feeling which I think for the first time I did. I didn’t pretend to be chill, I didn’t pretend to be indifferent, and I didn’t pretend when certain things hurt. I let him know that I don’t want to be that girl that in a year from now we are in the same exact position we are in now. That this other guy made me realize that I want someone to want me and that I want to be someone’s something more but that I want it to be Boy 1 and not Boy 2. But that I can’t keep doing what we are doing because it is not enough.

He was kinda all over the place with his responses. At one point he asked if this would be it and I responded yeah it would be his entire body tensed up and it felt like he couldn’t hold me tight enough. He kept trying to reiterate that it wasn’t me and that he does care about me a lot and that it’s not about being able to go after other girls because he has told me over and over again that he hasn’t hooked up with anyone else in such a long time nor does he approach girls when he is out.

It honestly boils down to two reasons why he feels like he is not mentally ready to be in a relationship. The first reason is the fact that he doesn’t know what school he is going to in the fall of 2018 and he is worried about how up in the air everything is regarding his schoolling. He mentioned that he didn’t want to invest time into something when he might just being leaving in a year. I made the point though that even though we are not date he is still investing time into me. Especially since he said he was really jealous and upset when he found out I was talking to another guy. The second reason is he has a really weird perspective of what a relationship would be like. He thinks that being in a relationship means that he would have to give up his alone time and being an individual person which is not the case at all. I have never been the type of person who wants to put what I want on hold for someone else. For some reason he thinks that if he commits then he won’t be able to hang out with friends which is totally stupid. I have never been the type of person who when I’m seeing someone else I decide to drop everyone else that I know. I value my friendship and tend to maintain them because they are important to me. So to think that someone else’s fear of a relationship is because they think they won’t get time with the friends is just ridiculous. I don’t need to be constantly by your side, nor do I need someone constantly with me. I don’t care if my guy wants to have guys night or hangs out with his friends a lot. I think it’s healthy that two people can do their own thing and then be able to come back to each other.

So we ended the night with him asking for some time which I agreed to. I have two reasons for being okay with having to wait for an answer. The first is I feel like I said my piece and he understands where I am. I made sure to make him know that if he doesn’t want to date (which I would not be mad about) that I really am stepping away from him. More importantly I told him that I wouldn’t be coming back in a month and I don’t want him to crawl back in a month saying he made a mistake. When he makes his decision that is what I am going to go on. The second reason I had is I felt like I was given a lot more time to think about how I felt about him, and dating in general and it didn’t feel fair to not give him the chance to process what I was saying, At this point, I just have to see what he says and go from there.

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4.30.17

This is honestly just become a place for me to vent every time something in my love life changes. I guess because every other part of my life is pretty consistents. My job is good, even though I think my next post is going to be a vent about what I should be doing next because that has been something that is constantly stressing me out and I have just pretending it is something that I don’t actually have to think about. And I do have exciting news, I booked my sister and I flights out to San Diego!!!!! I am soooo pumped to be back in San Diego. Clearly I loved it soo much that it will be my second time there in less than a year. Seriously, I don’t know if it was because it was my first time out there but I have never felt so at home and like in place with somewhere (other than DC obviously) than when I was there back in September. Now I get to take my sister out west, it will be her very first time. I am so excited I cannot wait. I have been planning out all of the things that I want to see with her and more importantly all the places that I want to eat and drink. We are going to rent a car and just experience the beach and downtown and pretend weare super SoCal.

I guess that was a decent life update. Also a bunch of my friends are moving around right now which is super exciting for everyone. Even though life is so confusing and it really does sound like no one knows what is going on, it is exciting to here about what everyone is up to and the cool things that people are getting themselves into. And now I feel like I am rambling more so that it looks like I am concerned about more things than just boys. The weirdest thing is though, boys are the thing that I am least concerned about. Like when something weird happens, I just shake my head and think well they will be back I am not worried about it. And that has been true for basically everything that has been happening. I have so much stuff going on with work and friends and my family that I don’t sit and obsess over what boy toy might have said or done or what he didn’t say or do. You know it just is it what it is.

Anyways, the new development is I have a date this weekend. Not a date with any of my old suspects but actually a first date with someone new. I am really excited and nervous, it is just so weird because I haven’t been on a date with someone new in a really really long time. Like I always go out with people who I have been seeing for a while now and I have been doing the almost relationship thing with boy toy for so long that it hasn’t been new in a very long time. I mean I still get excited and a little nervous to see him everytime I do see him but when I am with him it is just very very comfortable. I know him, and I know how he will respond to most things that I say and I don’t worry about upsetting him. Like this guy, as much as we are not a couple, he has been around for some time that he has seen me go through some shit and like I never have to explain who I am talking about or re-explain who people are. As much he might have not wanted to know, he knows my family and knows of our family dynamic, knows of my friends (and some of there issues), knows of my job issues. This new guy is completely new and so I have to explain everything to him when I start talking to him. But its refreshing to have someone new who isn’t a habit. I don’t know how he is going to react or how things are going to go. And that is really exciting.

7.8.16

The irregularity of my life continues. Last weekend was fourth of july weekend and I got out early Friday and then didn’t have to go back to work until Monday.When I was leaving work, I decided to send an innocent snapchat to boy alex just because I had been talking to his friend earlier in the week and it had been awhile. Surprisingly he was in the mood to talk so we ended up having a whole conversation which led to him letting me know that he would be in NYC for a night. So of course I ended up seeing him because when do I not see him. Ugh and that was great. He had a nice hotel room and a huge bed and he was all over me. It was just great. I barely slept and the next day literally didn’t do anything because I was exhausted but it was totally worth it.

With everything that has been going on with my ‘dating’ life, I have been talking to different people about it and at this point I feel like too many people have had input on it. The only people who I really want to hear the opinions from are my sister and butt. These two are the only people who are like I am not going to judge you, and I won’t be able to change your mind but I am not a big fan of boy toy. To top it off, Sis made the statement that has stuck with me the most. She said ‘you can’t not want a fuckboy if you are going to be a fuckboy’. Which I’ve never considered myself a fuckboy, but to be fair, the guys that I am talking to I am playing. No one knows that I am talking to other people, or that I am going on dates with someone or that I am sleeping with multiple people. They either don’t want to know, don’t care, or don’t think that I am capable of having more than one thing going on. Like yes, I think about boytoy more than anyone else but, I don’t know how I would respond if he asked me to be official. I just don’t know how or if that would work and I don’t really think it’s a trust thing but more of a I don’t know where he is with everything that is going on in his life and there can be so many things up in the air that I don’t know.
But, I also don’t feel bad about going back and forth between guys because honestly if they aren’t committing to me then I am not going voluntarily commit myself. There is no reason for me to limit myself because of how often I talk to boytoy or because I am going on dates with the other guy because they aren’t making an effort to commit to me. On another note, the amount that boytoy keeps coming back to me is the most satisfying thing. This week he is on vacation and I planned to reach out three days later to see how it was going and he reached out in two days. Then he dropped off, which isn’t the most appreciated thing but I let it slide, so then I planned on reaching out this weekend when I am planning on drinking a lot and having a good time in the city but then this morning I wake up from a snapchat from him last night and this morning and a text. He beat me to all of my punches this week and it felt great. I’m getting the vibe that he keeps touching base because he does’t want us talking to each other to end. Which I am totally fine with.

6.28.16

So, I hooked up with boy toy this past weekend. I had the house to myself and I invited him over and we hooked up. And it was great. Like it was seriously great. I mean I was super nervous when he first got there and it felt weird to have him in my house and I was just really nervous about the whole thing but we just started making out and it felt amazing. It felt so good to feel him again and to be with him. He is just intoxicating and I can’t give him up. I don’t think I will ever be able to give him up until I move out of NJ unless of course he just cuts me out of his life, which I mean is possible. But the thing is, even though I know he is not committal and he doesn’t make me a priority, I have a feeling he likes the attention and likes how we are together. And I say that because of how when I pull back and let things fall to the wayside, he picks them back up and starts to play ball. Like this weekend, when I mentioned that it sucks that we can’t see each other and doesn’t really make sense for us to be texting if we aren’t going to see each other in person, he immediately tried to come up with a way to see me this week. So no he is not asking me out on dates constantly, or trying really hard to see me, or working for it which like yes I want all those things, but what I’m coming to terms with is the person who is offering all that matters. I have two guys who are taking me on dates and wanting to see me and making the effort and it honestly doesn’t matter to me. Yes I love getting drinks and I love having someone pay for me but honestly, I want boy toy to do it, not these other guys. And that is not going to change until I am no longer in this state.

On the other hand, I am actually looking to move out. The problem I am running into is Lindsey wants one thing and Alex and Amanda want another thing and if I feel like if I don’t get everyone on the same page it won’t work. I know that moving out may not be the best decision but at the same time all of my other friends are living on their own, which just makes me want to live on my own more and more. So hopefully this fall I will be moving out and I’ll be living with my best friends for awhile before I move out of the state.

6.6.16

Jenna’s wedding was two weekends ago and I can honestly say I had such an amazing time. I never knew how much fun a wedding could be. Even though being in the wedding was expensive I loved every minute of it. My escort was so cute and basically my soulmate but he lives in Orlando and has a girlfriend, so now he is the one that got away. And it was really nice to show Sam around Maine and to spend the weekend with her. Since I am working full time and she is now going to start working it was nice to be able to get to spend that time with her.

And then I made the really stupid decision of calling boy toy at the wedding. We talked for a while and I admitted that I missed him and a lot of other stuff that I really shouldn’t have. But he engaged in conversation the whole time. And now a week later I’m not really sure where things are headed. During the weekend wedding we talked a lot, and it was interesting because when he started drinking he started saying how much he missed me and how he had made a mistake in ending things. But then he backtracked the next day and made it seem like he wasn’t super interested in pursuing anything. Then this past weekend, I was drinking a lot (again… I really need to calm down on that) and reached back out to him. Okay, to be fair I was planning on reaching out to him because I didn’t necessarily like how things were left from the previous weekend and I just wanted the excuse of being out. And those messages swung back and forth between us kind of talking about what we are doing and just really inappropriate stuff. The rest of the weekend just felt like we were falling back into how things used to be when we were talking all the time. It just felt normal and nice. We technically made plans to see each other on Friday but I always feel like our plans are tentative, which I am not a super fan about but I can deal with that at another time.
When I think about what I want, I just want to feel validated. It’s not that I’m looking for something super serious and confining. I still want to move in a year and want to go do my own thing and have my own schedule but, I want someone to hang out with and to have to lean on. I’m actually very nervous for meeting up again because it just felt so comfortable talking to him this weekend and I just feel like I am going to fall into things so easily and I’m not sure if that is a good thing or not. I think it will be fine and I am hoping that it works out so we will see what happens.

5.11.16

So, I have officially been at my job for a three weeks and I am honestly shocked. I cannot believe that I have been in the office for that long already. It really does feel great to be fully employed at this point. Although I am tired in the morning and I go to bed way earlier than I used to, it is exciting to be doing work which I enjoy and working for an office which I support. There have been many firsts already (like getting business cards and getting a work phone—a blackberry to be exact which I am ecstatic about) but I am excited to continue to learn new things and to continue to grow in my position.

It is strange though because even though I have a full time job, I am still constantly thinking about what is next. It is probably because for the past 11 months that is what constantly what consumed me. I remember waking up in the middle of the night panicking because I felt as if I wasn’t doing enough. So now when I think about what is next, it is not out of frustration or fear that I am not in an okay position. I know I have job security, and I also know that I will be here for a little bit of time so that it is actually a position that helps me grow professionally. Now I consider the things that I have wanted to do for a while but haven’t been able to actually do, like get a gym membership and get into a gym routine or plan trips which I have wanted to do but haven’t had the funds to go on. And always in the back of my mind is how I eventually plan on getting to the elusive DC. All of these plans though feel much more positive and rather than stressing about them I am excited for the many next steps that I can possibly take.

Besides work I am doing quite a lot of travel this month. I will be in DC for four days (for work training) but I am staying with one of my best friends so, that is time well-spent. I am hoping to enjoy some of my favorite places to eat, hang out with the friends that I have down there, and just enjoy the city seeing as I am unfortunately not living down there like I hoped. And then a week later I head up to Maine for a wedding. I cannot believe that it is already here.

Which brings me to the crazy realization that graduation was a year ago. It is insane for me to think that I have been out of a college for a full year. It doesn’t feel like living in Harrisonburg was so long ago but at the same time it seems as though a lot of time has passed. Although a lot has happened in the past year, it doesn’t feel like much has changed. Except for the fact that I have a job, but I still live at home, still am very single, still don’t have a puppy, and still don’t pay any bills. So in that regards it’s a little weird because I feel like life has been somewhat stagnant, even though I have had blips of change nothing that has been permanent. Now that I have secured employment though, I am hoping to start doing the things that I want to be doing which will hopefully lead to some other changes.

4.23.16

So I didn’t realize it has been a month since I last wrote but a lot has happened. I just finished my first week in my new job! I am officially  employed and it feels amazing. Everything happened so fast but basically I drove down to DC for a couple days where I met with a few people and started settting things up but I then drove back to NJ for an interview with my previous office and withing three days I had a job. The timing of everything was crazy and I still cannot believe that I had planned to move the same week I found out about the position in NJ but it did and I could not be happier. I know that I will get to DC at some point but right now I am focused on doing well in my new position as well as securing my finances so when I do want to move I can actually plan it.

Right now I am not sure what I want to do in terms of timeline. Part of me wants to live at home for awhile so that I can save the most amount of my small paychecks. Another part of me really wants to find an apartment and move out. I would love to adopt a puppy too but I am just not sure of the timing of that and have to figure out how I can devote myself to a dog of my own. Then I am not sure when is the ideal time to look for a new job or when the ideal time is to move to a different state whether that is DC or possibly California.

For the other aspects of my life now that I know I am staying in NJ I have to find my more friends because when the ones I do have are busy I literally have nothing to do. I am really going to join a gym now because I miss it so much. I have a lot of planning for my wedding. And my dating life is kind of just there. There are a few guys who seem interested in pursuing something but I haven’t taken the next step to finalize anything. I drove to DC to visit boytoy because I was bored and missed having a connection with someone. I still can’t believe that I drove three hours to see him but at the same time I am not really suprised. He is such a bad habit that I have a very hard time giving up that because he asked me to visit and because I have no self control I agreed. Our relationship is just so strange and I’ve tried to figure it out so much that I’ve just given up because I can’t make sense it. And now that I’m back in NJ I keep thinking about fuckboy which is the worst but hopefully I get over it soon.