This is honestly just become a place for me to vent every time something in my love life changes. I guess because every other part of my life is pretty consistents. My job is good, even though I think my next post is going to be a vent about what I should be doing next because that has been something that is constantly stressing me out and I have just pretending it is something that I don’t actually have to think about. And I do have exciting news, I booked my sister and I flights out to San Diego!!!!! I am soooo pumped to be back in San Diego. Clearly I loved it soo much that it will be my second time there in less than a year. Seriously, I don’t know if it was because it was my first time out there but I have never felt so at home and like in place with somewhere (other than DC obviously) than when I was there back in September. Now I get to take my sister out west, it will be her very first time. I am so excited I cannot wait. I have been planning out all of the things that I want to see with her and more importantly all the places that I want to eat and drink. We are going to rent a car and just experience the beach and downtown and pretend weare super SoCal.
I guess that was a decent life update. Also a bunch of my friends are moving around right now which is super exciting for everyone. Even though life is so confusing and it really does sound like no one knows what is going on, it is exciting to here about what everyone is up to and the cool things that people are getting themselves into. And now I feel like I am rambling more so that it looks like I am concerned about more things than just boys. The weirdest thing is though, boys are the thing that I am least concerned about. Like when something weird happens, I just shake my head and think well they will be back I am not worried about it. And that has been true for basically everything that has been happening. I have so much stuff going on with work and friends and my family that I don’t sit and obsess over what boy toy might have said or done or what he didn’t say or do. You know it just is it what it is.
Anyways, the new development is I have a date this weekend. Not a date with any of my old suspects but actually a first date with someone new. I am really excited and nervous, it is just so weird because I haven’t been on a date with someone new in a really really long time. Like I always go out with people who I have been seeing for a while now and I have been doing the almost relationship thing with boy toy for so long that it hasn’t been new in a very long time. I mean I still get excited and a little nervous to see him everytime I do see him but when I am with him it is just very very comfortable. I know him, and I know how he will respond to most things that I say and I don’t worry about upsetting him. Like this guy, as much as we are not a couple, he has been around for some time that he has seen me go through some shit and like I never have to explain who I am talking about or re-explain who people are. As much he might have not wanted to know, he knows my family and knows of our family dynamic, knows of my friends (and some of there issues), knows of my job issues. This new guy is completely new and so I have to explain everything to him when I start talking to him. But its refreshing to have someone new who isn’t a habit. I don’t know how he is going to react or how things are going to go. And that is really exciting.
The irregularity of my life continues. Last weekend was fourth of july weekend and I got out early Friday and then didn’t have to go back to work until Monday.When I was leaving work, I decided to send an innocent snapchat to boy alex just because I had been talking to his friend earlier in the week and it had been awhile. Surprisingly he was in the mood to talk so we ended up having a whole conversation which led to him letting me know that he would be in NYC for a night. So of course I ended up seeing him because when do I not see him. Ugh and that was great. He had a nice hotel room and a huge bed and he was all over me. It was just great. I barely slept and the next day literally didn’t do anything because I was exhausted but it was totally worth it.
With everything that has been going on with my ‘dating’ life, I have been talking to different people about it and at this point I feel like too many people have had input on it. The only people who I really want to hear the opinions from are my sister and butt. These two are the only people who are like I am not going to judge you, and I won’t be able to change your mind but I am not a big fan of boy toy. To top it off, Sis made the statement that has stuck with me the most. She said ‘you can’t not want a fuckboy if you are going to be a fuckboy’. Which I’ve never considered myself a fuckboy, but to be fair, the guys that I am talking to I am playing. No one knows that I am talking to other people, or that I am going on dates with someone or that I am sleeping with multiple people. They either don’t want to know, don’t care, or don’t think that I am capable of having more than one thing going on. Like yes, I think about boytoy more than anyone else but, I don’t know how I would respond if he asked me to be official. I just don’t know how or if that would work and I don’t really think it’s a trust thing but more of a I don’t know where he is with everything that is going on in his life and there can be so many things up in the air that I don’t know.
But, I also don’t feel bad about going back and forth between guys because honestly if they aren’t committing to me then I am not going voluntarily commit myself. There is no reason for me to limit myself because of how often I talk to boytoy or because I am going on dates with the other guy because they aren’t making an effort to commit to me. On another note, the amount that boytoy keeps coming back to me is the most satisfying thing. This week he is on vacation and I planned to reach out three days later to see how it was going and he reached out in two days. Then he dropped off, which isn’t the most appreciated thing but I let it slide, so then I planned on reaching out this weekend when I am planning on drinking a lot and having a good time in the city but then this morning I wake up from a snapchat from him last night and this morning and a text. He beat me to all of my punches this week and it felt great. I’m getting the vibe that he keeps touching base because he does’t want us talking to each other to end. Which I am totally fine with.
So, I hooked up with boy toy this past weekend. I had the house to myself and I invited him over and we hooked up. And it was great. Like it was seriously great. I mean I was super nervous when he first got there and it felt weird to have him in my house and I was just really nervous about the whole thing but we just started making out and it felt amazing. It felt so good to feel him again and to be with him. He is just intoxicating and I can’t give him up. I don’t think I will ever be able to give him up until I move out of NJ unless of course he just cuts me out of his life, which I mean is possible. But the thing is, even though I know he is not committal and he doesn’t make me a priority, I have a feeling he likes the attention and likes how we are together. And I say that because of how when I pull back and let things fall to the wayside, he picks them back up and starts to play ball. Like this weekend, when I mentioned that it sucks that we can’t see each other and doesn’t really make sense for us to be texting if we aren’t going to see each other in person, he immediately tried to come up with a way to see me this week. So no he is not asking me out on dates constantly, or trying really hard to see me, or working for it which like yes I want all those things, but what I’m coming to terms with is the person who is offering all that matters. I have two guys who are taking me on dates and wanting to see me and making the effort and it honestly doesn’t matter to me. Yes I love getting drinks and I love having someone pay for me but honestly, I want boy toy to do it, not these other guys. And that is not going to change until I am no longer in this state.
On the other hand, I am actually looking to move out. The problem I am running into is Lindsey wants one thing and Alex and Amanda want another thing and if I feel like if I don’t get everyone on the same page it won’t work. I know that moving out may not be the best decision but at the same time all of my other friends are living on their own, which just makes me want to live on my own more and more. So hopefully this fall I will be moving out and I’ll be living with my best friends for awhile before I move out of the state.
So, I have officially been at my job for a three weeks and I am honestly shocked. I cannot believe that I have been in the office for that long already. It really does feel great to be fully employed at this point. Although I am tired in the morning and I go to bed way earlier than I used to, it is exciting to be doing work which I enjoy and working for an office which I support. There have been many firsts already (like getting business cards and getting a work phone—a blackberry to be exact which I am ecstatic about) but I am excited to continue to learn new things and to continue to grow in my position.
It is strange though because even though I have a full time job, I am still constantly thinking about what is next. It is probably because for the past 11 months that is what constantly what consumed me. I remember waking up in the middle of the night panicking because I felt as if I wasn’t doing enough. So now when I think about what is next, it is not out of frustration or fear that I am not in an okay position. I know I have job security, and I also know that I will be here for a little bit of time so that it is actually a position that helps me grow professionally. Now I consider the things that I have wanted to do for a while but haven’t been able to actually do, like get a gym membership and get into a gym routine or plan trips which I have wanted to do but haven’t had the funds to go on. And always in the back of my mind is how I eventually plan on getting to the elusive DC. All of these plans though feel much more positive and rather than stressing about them I am excited for the many next steps that I can possibly take.
Besides work I am doing quite a lot of travel this month. I will be in DC for four days (for work training) but I am staying with one of my best friends so, that is time well-spent. I am hoping to enjoy some of my favorite places to eat, hang out with the friends that I have down there, and just enjoy the city seeing as I am unfortunately not living down there like I hoped. And then a week later I head up to Maine for a wedding. I cannot believe that it is already here.
Which brings me to the crazy realization that graduation was a year ago. It is insane for me to think that I have been out of a college for a full year. It doesn’t feel like living in Harrisonburg was so long ago but at the same time it seems as though a lot of time has passed. Although a lot has happened in the past year, it doesn’t feel like much has changed. Except for the fact that I have a job, but I still live at home, still am very single, still don’t have a puppy, and still don’t pay any bills. So in that regards it’s a little weird because I feel like life has been somewhat stagnant, even though I have had blips of change nothing that has been permanent. Now that I have secured employment though, I am hoping to start doing the things that I want to be doing which will hopefully lead to some other changes.
So I didn’t realize it has been a month since I last wrote but a lot has happened. I just finished my first week in my new job! I am officially employed and it feels amazing. Everything happened so fast but basically I drove down to DC for a couple days where I met with a few people and started settting things up but I then drove back to NJ for an interview with my previous office and withing three days I had a job. The timing of everything was crazy and I still cannot believe that I had planned to move the same week I found out about the position in NJ but it did and I could not be happier. I know that I will get to DC at some point but right now I am focused on doing well in my new position as well as securing my finances so when I do want to move I can actually plan it.
Right now I am not sure what I want to do in terms of timeline. Part of me wants to live at home for awhile so that I can save the most amount of my small paychecks. Another part of me really wants to find an apartment and move out. I would love to adopt a puppy too but I am just not sure of the timing of that and have to figure out how I can devote myself to a dog of my own. Then I am not sure when is the ideal time to look for a new job or when the ideal time is to move to a different state whether that is DC or possibly California.
For the other aspects of my life now that I know I am staying in NJ I have to find my more friends because when the ones I do have are busy I literally have nothing to do. I am really going to join a gym now because I miss it so much. I have a lot of planning for my wedding. And my dating life is kind of just there. There are a few guys who seem interested in pursuing something but I haven’t taken the next step to finalize anything. I drove to DC to visit boytoy because I was bored and missed having a connection with someone. I still can’t believe that I drove three hours to see him but at the same time I am not really suprised. He is such a bad habit that I have a very hard time giving up that because he asked me to visit and because I have no self control I agreed. Our relationship is just so strange and I’ve tried to figure it out so much that I’ve just given up because I can’t make sense it. And now that I’m back in NJ I keep thinking about fuckboy which is the worst but hopefully I get over it soon.