7.21.17

I officially have a boyfriend. I haven’t said those words in almost 3 years. This whole thing is really exciting and nerve-wracking but honestly I have not felt like this in such a long time and I don’t really know what to do about it. Basically the other day I had off so I went down to his shore house and we grabbed dinner and walked on the beach together and then we hung out with his roommate and grabbed a few drinks and it was honestly just perfect. It didn’t feel forced or weird or like we were trying too hard. It was just really nice to be spending time with him and doing something other than spending time in bed. Before we went to bed, he told me that he was really happy about us and what we are doing. He was like when I took time after we talked and thought about never seeing you again, I got the worst feeling in the pit of my stomach and I realized I didn’t want to stop seeing you. And when I thought about us being together it felt like yeah that could work. He ended the conversation saything thanks for kicking my butt into shape and making me get my shit together. Not only did we have such a great day, but then he told me all of that and I couldn’t stop smiling.

So a couple days later, my friends were talking about going to a bar which is near his shore house. For some reason, the entire time that my friend was talking about going out I was just getting stressed out and worried. It was stressing me out knowing that I was going to be so close to boy toy without him knowing. I decided rather than freaking out, to tell him like a normal person and when I told him he was just like soooo I might meet you out, do you want to sleepover. And that’s exactly what happened. I went out with my two friends and we met up with boy toy and it was just great. We were causally drinking at first, and he started talking about future plans and that in itself just made me insanely happy. It was nice to be talking about future stuff and to hear him thinking about me in things he is planning on doing in the future. A little later I left him to go dance with my friends and of course while we were dancing there was a group of guys encroaching on us. One of them defintely wanted to dance with alex but we were all surrounded but all of a sudden, boy toy comes out of no where and starts putting on the major moves basically pushing all the other guys out of the way. I started dying becasue it was so funny how perfectly executed his plan was. So I got to dance with my man and then later he walked me around to show me other parts of the bar (which was huge by the way). At one point we were just kinda hanging out and making out and he told me he’s not huge into pda, which I would say I am totally okay with. I don’t need to be looking like I am about to have sex on a bar. But the way he said it was a little weird, because he was like I’m not really into pda but all I want to do is kiss you. So we might have to explore that one a little bit more. He also told about how when he told one of few mutual friends that we have that we were offiical and becoming more serious that the guy was like just like finally, it’s about time. So boy toy started going on about how he was such an idiot and that he didn’t mean to be an asshole. I was just like you have nothing to apologize for. After we got back to the house at the end of the night he brough up both things again. The pda thing he was like I’m not really comfortable with it and I was like that’s fine we don’t have to do it and his response was we are in a relationship and just because I don’t really want to do something doesn’t mean we can’t do it. Sooo not really sure what conclusion we came up with there. I kinda feel like he’s talking about being pda around people that we know. Like not being that couple that is super coupley when they are hanging out with other people. He also was just like I feel like such an idiot. I waited around for so long and was an asshole to you and I really hope I shut that one down. I was just like stop there is nothing to apologize for, we were single and it’s fine. This is not something that you have to worry about or think about.

At one point we both mentioned that we trust each other and that we aren’t worried about anything weird like that happening. I also was like can we never become a lame couple. I don’t want to be that couple that never does anything apart or always goes home early and people don’t really want to hang out with. I want to be a couple that people like third wheeling with us because they always have a good time. I don’t know the whole evening was really nice and it just feels like he really is taking this seriously which makes me excited to see how things go.

Advertisements

7.8.17

This week I have been overly dramatic about the men in my life. As we all know, I have been in a pretty long term “situationship” as the internet has classified it. It has been awhile with this one and even though we have gone through a lot of phases with handling things differently it has worked out well. Until when I start thinking about how he is made me his part time girlfriend. When we started talking together after all the drama happened with me moving, I promised myself that I wouldn’t invest myself into this thing ever again. Although I have kept my distance and haven’t invested that much time I still have been 100% available. And for all of the shitty things he has done to me, from cancelling last minute, not responding to me, not hearing from him for weeks; he makes it so easy to forget all of that.

Now I’ve also been recently talking to a trainer from the gym. We have gone out on a few dates, he has been over my apartment, and he’s met my best friend and my work bff. I talk to him a lot more consistently and he has mentioned that he is into me. But not just wanting to hook up kind of interested in me, he’s interested in the having the real deal with someone. When he first told me, I kind of brushed it off because I haven’t thought of myself dating anyone in awhile. I mean I go out with guys but there hasn’t been anyone yet who has seemed worth anything. But he has been the first guy who has made me wonder what it would be like to get back into a relationship that wouldn’t be Boy 1.

So because I have been thinking about committing to Boy 2, I decided to tell Boy 1 that I’ve been talking to someone else and if he asks me out, I am going to commit to him. Boy 1 was like oh okay and didn’t really say much after that. This was last week. Fast forward to Monday, and I was innocently talking to Boy 1 about my roommates kitten. The kitten had done something cute and I know that Boy 1 is obsessed with the kitten. As we were talking, Boy 1 brought up that he was bummed that he wouldn’t get the chance to see the kittens anymore. So he started talking about how I was giving mixed signals because I was talking about future hangouts with him but then I dropped in that I was seeing someone else. We started talking about it and I was just saying that I don’t know what he wants from me because we aren’t dating and it’s frustrating not having any real stance in his life. After talking with him for over an hour, I asked him to come over the following night. I mainly told him to come over because even though I’ve checked in to see what we were doing in person, we never really talk about what’s going on in person and we have had the conversation one to many times over text.

Fast forwarding to last night. He came over and we hung out like everything was normal mainly because I was too nervous to bring up anything. I was like falling asleep while I was watching the office so I finished my episode and he asked if it would be okay if he watched an episode while I went to bed, which was totally fine. But didn’t end up watching an episode because I then brought up what we had been talking about the prior night. The advice that I got from my sister was to just let my guard down and tell him how I was feeling which I think for the first time I did. I didn’t pretend to be chill, I didn’t pretend to be indifferent, and I didn’t pretend when certain things hurt. I let him know that I don’t want to be that girl that in a year from now we are in the same exact position we are in now. That this other guy made me realize that I want someone to want me and that I want to be someone’s something more but that I want it to be Boy 1 and not Boy 2. But that I can’t keep doing what we are doing because it is not enough.

He was kinda all over the place with his responses. At one point he asked if this would be it and I responded yeah it would be his entire body tensed up and it felt like he couldn’t hold me tight enough. He kept trying to reiterate that it wasn’t me and that he does care about me a lot and that it’s not about being able to go after other girls because he has told me over and over again that he hasn’t hooked up with anyone else in such a long time nor does he approach girls when he is out.

It honestly boils down to two reasons why he feels like he is not mentally ready to be in a relationship. The first reason is the fact that he doesn’t know what school he is going to in the fall of 2018 and he is worried about how up in the air everything is regarding his schoolling. He mentioned that he didn’t want to invest time into something when he might just being leaving in a year. I made the point though that even though we are not date he is still investing time into me. Especially since he said he was really jealous and upset when he found out I was talking to another guy. The second reason is he has a really weird perspective of what a relationship would be like. He thinks that being in a relationship means that he would have to give up his alone time and being an individual person which is not the case at all. I have never been the type of person who wants to put what I want on hold for someone else. For some reason he thinks that if he commits then he won’t be able to hang out with friends which is totally stupid. I have never been the type of person who when I’m seeing someone else I decide to drop everyone else that I know. I value my friendship and tend to maintain them because they are important to me. So to think that someone else’s fear of a relationship is because they think they won’t get time with the friends is just ridiculous. I don’t need to be constantly by your side, nor do I need someone constantly with me. I don’t care if my guy wants to have guys night or hangs out with his friends a lot. I think it’s healthy that two people can do their own thing and then be able to come back to each other.

So we ended the night with him asking for some time which I agreed to. I have two reasons for being okay with having to wait for an answer. The first is I feel like I said my piece and he understands where I am. I made sure to make him know that if he doesn’t want to date (which I would not be mad about) that I really am stepping away from him. More importantly I told him that I wouldn’t be coming back in a month and I don’t want him to crawl back in a month saying he made a mistake. When he makes his decision that is what I am going to go on. The second reason I had is I felt like I was given a lot more time to think about how I felt about him, and dating in general and it didn’t feel fair to not give him the chance to process what I was saying, At this point, I just have to see what he says and go from there.

5.26.17

This weekend I am flying out to San Diego with my sister. It was my graduation gift to her a trip just the two of us. I am really excited to go but this trip has been stressing me out. This month was a high spending month for me because I had to replace all of my breaks which cost me way more than I was anticipating and then I had to pay for the airbnb, a car rental, and now the actual trip itself. I have the money and I am not actually struggling but, it has been stressful spending so much this month and not putting a lot into my savings, actually taking money out of my savings which was a gut dropping realization I had to make. I know rationally that the point of a savings is for when things happen like when you need new brakes so that you can pay for them without going into debt but, in my head my savings has always been there so that I can have enough money to move. And so I have been internalizing the fact that I had to put my money towards brakes which is making my decision to go away on vacation seem a bit frivilous.

To top it off, I have been really thinking about what my next step is in regards to my career. I have been at my job for a full year, I know SHOCKER. But with my lease going to be up in October and I know that I don’t want to move back home I have been stressing out over what I should do next. A big part of me really just wants to pack up and move out of the state. It is what I have wanted to do for such a long time. I never thought when I was graduating that I was going to move back to New Jersey and yet I have been here for a full two years. It is just scary to think that I am getting further and further away from my original plans but at the same time they are still goals which I have. And now being in NJ with my job which is in the field that I want to be in and has been giving me opportunities which might not come from other jobs. I know that once I get my masters I will move out of the state or even potential go out of state for my masters but either way I know that being here is not forever because I don’t want it to be forever and I am going to do everything that I can to put myself in the position to achieve anything I want to.

4.30.17

This is honestly just become a place for me to vent every time something in my love life changes. I guess because every other part of my life is pretty consistents. My job is good, even though I think my next post is going to be a vent about what I should be doing next because that has been something that is constantly stressing me out and I have just pretending it is something that I don’t actually have to think about. And I do have exciting news, I booked my sister and I flights out to San Diego!!!!! I am soooo pumped to be back in San Diego. Clearly I loved it soo much that it will be my second time there in less than a year. Seriously, I don’t know if it was because it was my first time out there but I have never felt so at home and like in place with somewhere (other than DC obviously) than when I was there back in September. Now I get to take my sister out west, it will be her very first time. I am so excited I cannot wait. I have been planning out all of the things that I want to see with her and more importantly all the places that I want to eat and drink. We are going to rent a car and just experience the beach and downtown and pretend weare super SoCal.

I guess that was a decent life update. Also a bunch of my friends are moving around right now which is super exciting for everyone. Even though life is so confusing and it really does sound like no one knows what is going on, it is exciting to here about what everyone is up to and the cool things that people are getting themselves into. And now I feel like I am rambling more so that it looks like I am concerned about more things than just boys. The weirdest thing is though, boys are the thing that I am least concerned about. Like when something weird happens, I just shake my head and think well they will be back I am not worried about it. And that has been true for basically everything that has been happening. I have so much stuff going on with work and friends and my family that I don’t sit and obsess over what boy toy might have said or done or what he didn’t say or do. You know it just is it what it is.

Anyways, the new development is I have a date this weekend. Not a date with any of my old suspects but actually a first date with someone new. I am really excited and nervous, it is just so weird because I haven’t been on a date with someone new in a really really long time. Like I always go out with people who I have been seeing for a while now and I have been doing the almost relationship thing with boy toy for so long that it hasn’t been new in a very long time. I mean I still get excited and a little nervous to see him everytime I do see him but when I am with him it is just very very comfortable. I know him, and I know how he will respond to most things that I say and I don’t worry about upsetting him. Like this guy, as much as we are not a couple, he has been around for some time that he has seen me go through some shit and like I never have to explain who I am talking about or re-explain who people are. As much he might have not wanted to know, he knows my family and knows of our family dynamic, knows of my friends (and some of there issues), knows of my job issues. This new guy is completely new and so I have to explain everything to him when I start talking to him. But its refreshing to have someone new who isn’t a habit. I don’t know how he is going to react or how things are going to go. And that is really exciting.

3.23.17

The past few months have made me realize how much I appreciate being single. So my both my sister and my best friend went through a break up. My only married friend is questioning whether or not she wants to be married, my roommates have been going through a rough patch and my other best friend is thinking about moving out by herself but to let her boyfriend stay with her as much as he needs and possibly pay for groceries.

As much as people talk about the benefits with being in a relationship I just cannot see how for my situation, a relationship would work for me. I mean I guess for other people it works out great, but for me I just feel like it would be an awful idea. I have no idea where I will be the in the next year, no idea what my next job looks like, no idea what city I want to be living in. I just don’t know how I could bring someone else into the uncertainity which my life is right now. I mean I am already so confused about what I want to do next and what will be best for me, I can’t not even imagine having to take another person’s opinions and wishes into consideration. I am a selfish person and I want to make sure that I am doing everything that I can in order to make sure that I am happy. If I had to take into account another person’s happiness, I don’t think it would work. I mean I am always willing to do whatever other people need from me and I hope to be helping provide support for the people around me but, I am not ready to compromise on the things which I think I want for someone else. I’m only 23 for pete’s sake. I don’t need to be asking someone else what I should or shouldn’t be doing. Like of course in the future I want to settle down and start a family and the idea of having someone as an equal and someone to support me sounds amazing but right now I need to do my own thing and figure out my what I want out of my own life before I combine it with someone else.

2.7.17

I’ve noticed that quite recently, driving time has become self-reflection time. I rant to myself about things that bothered me in the day, I replay scenarios (some real, some that I wish would happn), but most of the time I think about how lucky I am to be in the position that I am in while also wonder how I can possibly old enough to be playing the role of an adult. I mean it isn’t really playing a role, I am an adult. I work a 8:30-5:30 eveyday, I pay rent, I do laundry once a week, and now have a routine. I feel like I have finally reached a point where I have taken control of most aspects of my life.

Even though I am happy with what I am doing right now, it always feels like I need to be and should be doing more. I feel like I should be taking on more responsiblity at work and sometimes it feels as if I am doing the bare minimum which frustrates me. At the same time though, doing more sometimes is exhausting and if I am only focused on improving myself at my job than other aspects of my life feel like they have to suffer. I also have no idea what I want my next step to be. I know for certain that I do not want to be in NJ next fall. By the fall, I will be living in NJ since graduation for two years and three months and honestly I think enough is enough. I never wanted to be the girl from high school that stayed in the area. I went to school five hours away, clearly I’ve always had a drive to leave my comfort zone and try something new. As much as I am learning and growing as an adult here, it just feels as if nothing really happens here. There are no people to meet, no where to go out, and no place to meet people. At the end of the day, my friends in the area are mostly from my high school as is my hookup buddy. I look at other groups of friends who haven’t left and I look down upon them, but honestly how can I when I am doing the exact same thing. It is not that I feel like I have something to prove to anyone, it is just that it feels like there is more opporunities outside of the state versus inside.

So, I have started to really think about what moving to California would look like for me. I’ve started thinking about different job opporunities out there, what a move would look like, thinking about how much it would cost me, etc. I think being out in California for two or three years would be an incredible experience. It could be great not only my career but also for personal growth. If not Cali, then definetely DC. I mean I already planned on moving there once and then got the job offer here in NJ but after the time that I have spent at my job, I think that finding a job would not be as discourgaing as the first time around. So the next six months are all about me figuring out what I want to do and how I am going to accomplish it. A lot of the time it feels super daunting but I think with enough time and commitment, I will be doing something great come September.