1.22.17

First post of 2017. This month has been full of surreal and self-reflection moments. I find myself driving into work most mornings excited and in awe of where I am right now. Sometimes I just get the sense that there the work I am doing, I am doing for a reason and that there is more in store for me that I am preparing for now. It might be egotisical or narcissistic (as I google how to spell narcissictic) but I really do think that my path in life is going to lead down to some incredible things. I am currently reading this book Start with Why, which my chief of staff gave to everyone in the office. It really is a facisnating way to look at the things you are doing in life and figuring out why you are doing them, rather than simply explaining what you are doing. So I am currently trying to formulate why I want to work and why I want to make an impact. Once I fully conceptulize it I will write it down but I am still working on the full why.

Anyways, this month has had plenty surreal moments. Sometimes staffing on the weekend all the time is extremely tiring and frustrating but at the same time it can be very rewarding. For instance, at the ACA rally, being in a room with almost the entire Democratic delegation was just crazy. I was standing with Congresspeople and Senators and it was just a normal Sunday. People wait in line for hours to get to shake Senator Booker’s hand, while I was simply holding the door and he walked up to me and shook my hand and asked how I was doing. Being a congressional staffer is sometimes the weirdest thing. Or how being part of the Women’s March didn’t mean I was just marching but I was staffing the March. I got into the Hall simply by stating that I was staff, I stood at the very front of the line, got pictures of my boss starting out the march and I was with other staffers who were doing the same exact thing. It’s in those moment where even though my position is little and I am super junior staff, it is still incredible to be part of this movement and this wave of politics. It makes me thankful that I had to wait this long to get this job because, I wouldn’t want to be anywhere else (well maybe in DC but that’s different). If I had gotten the job working in the Assembly office or if I had been working in the nonprofit world, I would not be experienceing the things which I have been going through, nor would I be learning the things that I think will greatly benefit me as I continue working in my career. So yes, even though it was devastating the time right after graduation not having a job, I honestly think I am in the exact place that I am supposed to be.

12.31.16

I have been meaning to write for awhile with different subject areas and venting moments that I wanted to share, but most of the time I just didn’t know what to say. It is ironic when looking at my last post I reflected on my year as a 22 year old and now I want to reflect on just the past year in general.

2016 might not have been a good year for the world, but for me it was pretty incredible. I feel like I am about to repeat a lot of what I talked about in my last post, and I should definetely get better about writing about daily occurances than just reflecting every couple  months but I really do believe that self-awareness is key in succeeding in life. So I am going to reflect again.

2016 started out pretty shaky. I was still unemployed, living with my parents, just finishing up an internship in the governmental sector which I refused to tell anyone about because I didn’t want to be the girl who was just working at barnes and noble, and basically totally lost about what I wanted to do. I remember for months just aggressively applying to any and every job which I came across. I would go to Starbucks, or Panera, or another Barnes and Noble; pretending to be at my intership but instead just applying to jobs, hoping something would stick. In the middle of January, something did stick and I ended up with three interviews for a job in the nonprofit world. I remember going down to DC for the interview and being super nervous and excited and just wanting it to work out. I remember not getting that job and then going through the same process with a different office only to be denied by them as well. I remember waking up in the middle of the night in a panic, thinking that I should be doing more. Writing more emails, contacting more people, sending out more resumes. When I think about how many cover letters I wrote and how many applications I actually sent out, it makes me sick. I remember being so desperate and so lost that the only thing that I could think of was to move to the area where I wanted to live. Thinking about my decision to pack up and move to DC now seems insane. I had barely any money, still no job prospects, no place to live. The only thing that I had was that I was going to start working at a Barnes and Noble (part time) in NOVA and possibly start using a temp agency. Again I seriously do not know what I was thinking, but I also remember being beyond desperate to start doing something with my life. I needed to be more proactive than I was being and that was the step that I wanted to take. In the end I obviously got hired back in NJ and ended up bringing all my stuff back home, and started working full time in the office which I interned for. It is the running joke that I needed to move to DC in order to find a job in NJ. But, even though things didn’t work out in the way in which I planned, I still am proud of the fact that I made the decision to move and followed through with it. I was willing to do it and I went for it and most people can’t say that they would be able to do that.

So now that I am fully employed, so many other doors began opening up to me. For one, I make a good deal more than when I was working at Barnes and Noble. Enough to move out of my parents house and live in an apartment on my own. I have been able to finance five vacations this year. Maine, Ocean City, San Diego, Disney, and Guadeloupe. I have started to put money away for my step. I am hoping to start a retirement account next year. And I hope to continue to be able to explore the world and create memories rather than owning more items. I started going to the gym regularly, which although I have fallen off the bandwagon a little bit during the holiday season, I am excited to get back on the horse next week and to continue to push myself so that I see results (particularly in my ass).

As for my social life, things have been gererally been great. I have reconnected with some people from high school who I didn’t talk to much during college but by living in our hometown it is nice to reconnect. I have made sure to continue to nurture my old friendships, both from high school and college. Although it is hard sometimes and I have to do a better job with some of my college friends, I will say that I think I have done better than most especially considering that my college is 5 hours away and most of my friends live out of state. I still have a great relationship with my family. I became a godmother which is just amazing and I cannot be thankful enough. I got a tattoo, which I mean come on is HUGE! I have been seriously talking about getting a tattoo since my senior year of college. And every year since then I talk about it, but continued to put it off. But for some reason this was the time that I decided I really wanted to go through with it. Not only did I get a tattoo, but I somehow convinced my sister and two best friends to get tattoos on the same day as me. Not many people can say that they went to a tattoo parlor with their sister and best friends and got tattoos (espeically their very first ones) all together. That in itself was incredible.

And finally my dating life. This is probably the most and least interesting part of what happened during this year. I started off the year casually pursuing a relationship with a guy who had been a previous fuck buddy. I then decided to move which ended that relationship. I continued to talk to my long distance fuck buddy. Drove three hours one time to get laid, which was honestly just dumb but hey we all do crazy things for sex sometimes. I then embarassingly drunk texted my first fuck buddy which things up again but, this time it wasn’t a relationship, just a friends with benefits thing. Then the friends with benefits thing ended which means I went back to my long distance fuck buddy. And then the friends with benefits reappeared which is when I decided that I wasn’t going to put any effort into that relationship seeing as it never worked.. So for the past five months we have been pretty regularly talking and the past three months we now see each other once a week. All the while, I have gone on a few other dates with some other guys here and there, have gotten a few phone numbers, made out with a few other guys, but nothing really serious. Some days I am really happy with where I am, while other days I hate it. What keeps me grounded in the whole thing is the fact that I have an exit strategy. That I know how I am going to end this thing and so I won’t be stuck in a pseudo relationship for forever. I just sometimes wish that boys had a better sense of their feelings and acted on those rather than what society tells them is cool or rather than being afraid of something going wrong. What is frustrating is the obviousness of someones feelings, particulary with friend with benefits boy but his downright denial of them/ no attempt on acting on it. But other than that it has been a very interesting adventure.

So 2016 was actually vey good to me. And I am excited to work hard and fight for the things that I want to achieve in 2017. It may be a new year, but honestly it is the same me and I am going to continue to be lost and confused on some things but also prove to myself that anything I want can be achieved.

7.8.16

The irregularity of my life continues. Last weekend was fourth of july weekend and I got out early Friday and then didn’t have to go back to work until Monday.When I was leaving work, I decided to send an innocent snapchat to boy alex just because I had been talking to his friend earlier in the week and it had been awhile. Surprisingly he was in the mood to talk so we ended up having a whole conversation which led to him letting me know that he would be in NYC for a night. So of course I ended up seeing him because when do I not see him. Ugh and that was great. He had a nice hotel room and a huge bed and he was all over me. It was just great. I barely slept and the next day literally didn’t do anything because I was exhausted but it was totally worth it.

With everything that has been going on with my ‘dating’ life, I have been talking to different people about it and at this point I feel like too many people have had input on it. The only people who I really want to hear the opinions from are my sister and butt. These two are the only people who are like I am not going to judge you, and I won’t be able to change your mind but I am not a big fan of boy toy. To top it off, Sis made the statement that has stuck with me the most. She said ‘you can’t not want a fuckboy if you are going to be a fuckboy’. Which I’ve never considered myself a fuckboy, but to be fair, the guys that I am talking to I am playing. No one knows that I am talking to other people, or that I am going on dates with someone or that I am sleeping with multiple people. They either don’t want to know, don’t care, or don’t think that I am capable of having more than one thing going on. Like yes, I think about boytoy more than anyone else but, I don’t know how I would respond if he asked me to be official. I just don’t know how or if that would work and I don’t really think it’s a trust thing but more of a I don’t know where he is with everything that is going on in his life and there can be so many things up in the air that I don’t know.

But, I also don’t feel bad about going back and forth between guys because honestly if they aren’t committing to me then I am not going voluntarily commit myself. There is no reason for me to limit myself because of how often I talk to boytoy or because I am going on dates with the other guy because they aren’t making an effort to commit to me. On another note, the amount that boytoy keeps coming back to me is the most satisfying thing. This week he is on vacation and I planned to reach out three days later to see how it was going and he reached out in two days. Then he dropped off, which isn’t the most appreciated thing but I let it slide, so then I planned on reaching out this weekend when I am planning on drinking a lot and having a good time in the city but then this morning I wake up from a snapchat from him last night and this morning and a text. He beat me to all of my punches this week and it felt great. I’m getting the vibe that he keeps touching base because he does’t want us talking to each other to end. Which I am totally fine with.

6.28.16

So, I hooked up with boy toy this past weekend. I had the house to myself and I invited him over and we hooked up. And it was great. Like it was seriously great. I mean I was super nervous when he first got there and it felt weird to have him in my house and I was just really nervous about the whole thing but we just started making out and it felt amazing. It felt so good to feel him again and to be with him. He is just intoxicating and I can’t give him up. I don’t think I will ever be able to give him up until I move out of NJ unless of course he just cuts me out of his life, which I mean is possible. But the thing is, even though I know he is not committal and he doesn’t make me a priority, I have a feeling he likes the attention and likes how we are together. And I say that because of how when I pull back and let things fall to the wayside, he picks them back up and starts to play ball. Like this weekend, when I mentioned that it sucks that we can’t see each other and doesn’t really make sense for us to be texting if we aren’t going to see each other in person, he immediately tried to come up with a way to see me this week. So no he is not asking me out on dates constantly, or trying really hard to see me, or working for it which like yes I want all those things, but what I’m coming to terms with is the person who is offering all that matters. I have two guys who are taking me on dates and wanting to see me and making the effort and it honestly doesn’t matter to me. Yes I love getting drinks and I love having someone pay for me but honestly, I want boy toy to do it, not these other guys. And that is not going to change until I am no longer in this state.

On the other hand, I am actually looking to move out. The problem I am running into is Lindsey wants one thing and Alex and Amanda want another thing and if I feel like if I don’t get everyone on the same page it won’t work. I know that moving out may not be the best decision but at the same time all of my other friends are living on their own, which just makes me want to live on my own more and more. So hopefully this fall I will be moving out and I’ll be living with my best friends for awhile before I move out of the state.

6.6.16

Jenna’s wedding was two weekends ago and I can honestly say I had such an amazing time. I never knew how much fun a wedding could be. Even though being in the wedding was expensive I loved every minute of it. My escort was so cute and basically my soulmate but he lives in Orlando and has a girlfriend, so now he is the one that got away. And it was really nice to show Sam around Maine and to spend the weekend with her. Since I am working full time and she is now going to start working it was nice to be able to get to spend that time with her.

And then I made the really stupid decision of calling boy toy at the wedding. We talked for a while and I admitted that I missed him and a lot of other stuff that I really shouldn’t have. But he engaged in conversation the whole time. And now a week later I’m not really sure where things are headed. During the weekend wedding we talked a lot, and it was interesting because when he started drinking he started saying how much he missed me and how he had made a mistake in ending things. But then he backtracked the next day and made it seem like he wasn’t super interested in pursuing anything. Then this past weekend, I was drinking a lot (again… I really need to calm down on that) and reached back out to him. Okay, to be fair I was planning on reaching out to him because I didn’t necessarily like how things were left from the previous weekend and I just wanted the excuse of being out. And those messages swung back and forth between us kind of talking about what we are doing and just really inappropriate stuff. The rest of the weekend just felt like we were falling back into how things used to be when we were talking all the time. It just felt normal and nice. We technically made plans to see each other on Friday but I always feel like our plans are tentative, which I am not a super fan about but I can deal with that at another time.

When I think about what I want, I just want to feel validated. It’s not that I’m looking for something super serious and confining. I still want to move in a year and want to go do my own thing and have my own schedule but, I want someone to hang out with and to have to lean on. I’m actually very nervous for meeting up again because it just felt so comfortable talking to him this weekend and I just feel like I am going to fall into things so easily and I’m not sure if that is a good thing or not. I think it will be fine and I am hoping that it works out so we will see what happens.

5.11.16

So, I have officially been at my job for a three weeks and I am honestly shocked. I cannot believe that I have been in the office for that long already. It really does feel great to be fully employed at this point. Although I am tired in the morning and I go to bed way earlier than I used to, it is exciting to be doing work which I enjoy and working for an office which I support. There have been many firsts already (like getting business cards and getting a work phone—a blackberry to be exact which I am ecstatic about) but I am excited to continue to learn new things and to continue to grow in my position.

It is strange though because even though I have a full time job, I am still constantly thinking about what is next. It is probably because for the past 11 months that is what constantly what consumed me. I remember waking up in the middle of the night panicking because I felt as if I wasn’t doing enough. So now when I think about what is next, it is not out of frustration or fear that I am not in an okay position. I know I have job security, and I also know that I will be here for a little bit of time so that it is actually a position that helps me grow professionally. Now I consider the things that I have wanted to do for a while but haven’t been able to actually do, like get a gym membership and get into a gym routine or plan trips which I have wanted to do but haven’t had the funds to go on. And always in the back of my mind is how I eventually plan on getting to the elusive DC. All of these plans though feel much more positive and rather than stressing about them I am excited for the many next steps that I can possibly take.

Besides work I am doing quite a lot of travel this month. I will be in DC for four days (for work training) but I am staying with one of my best friends so, that is time well-spent. I am hoping to enjoy some of my favorite places to eat, hang out with the friends that I have down there, and just enjoy the city seeing as I am unfortunately not living down there like I hoped. And then a week later I head up to Maine for a wedding. I cannot believe that it is already here.

Which brings me to the crazy realization that graduation was a year ago. It is insane for me to think that I have been out of a college for a full year. It doesn’t feel like living in Harrisonburg was so long ago but at the same time it seems as though a lot of time has passed. Although a lot has happened in the past year, it doesn’t feel like much has changed. Except for the fact that I have a job, but I still live at home, still am very single, still don’t have a puppy, and still don’t pay any bills. So in that regards it’s a little weird because I feel like life has been somewhat stagnant, even though I have had blips of change nothing that has been permanent. Now that I have secured employment though, I am hoping to start doing the things that I want to be doing which will hopefully lead to some other changes.

4.23.16

So I didn’t realize it has been a month since I last wrote but a lot has happened. I just finished my first week in my new job! I am officially  employed and it feels amazing. Everything happened so fast but basically I drove down to DC for a couple days where I met with a few people and started settting things up but I then drove back to NJ for an interview with my previous office and withing three days I had a job. The timing of everything was crazy and I still cannot believe that I had planned to move the same week I found out about the position in NJ but it did and I could not be happier. I know that I will get to DC at some point but right now I am focused on doing well in my new position as well as securing my finances so when I do want to move I can actually plan it.

Right now I am not sure what I want to do in terms of timeline. Part of me wants to live at home for awhile so that I can save the most amount of my small paychecks. Another part of me really wants to find an apartment and move out. I would love to adopt a puppy too but I am just not sure of the timing of that and have to figure out how I can devote myself to a dog of my own. Then I am not sure when is the ideal time to look for a new job or when the ideal time is to move to a different state whether that is DC or possibly California.

For the other aspects of my life now that I know I am staying in NJ I have to find my more friends because when the ones I do have are busy I literally have nothing to do. I am really going to join a gym now because I miss it so much. I have a lot of planning for my wedding. And my dating life is kind of just there. There are a few guys who seem interested in pursuing something but I haven’t taken the next step to finalize anything. I drove to DC to visit boytoy because I was bored and missed having a connection with someone. I still can’t believe that I drove three hours to see him but at the same time I am not really suprised. He is such a bad habit that I have a very hard time giving up that because he asked me to visit and because I have no self control I agreed. Our relationship is just so strange and I’ve tried to figure it out so much that I’ve just given up because I can’t make sense it. And now that I’m back in NJ I keep thinking about fuckboy which is the worst but hopefully I get over it soon.

 

3.22.16

After two weeks of dealing with uncessary bullshit, my ‘relationship’ has officially ended. Everything went downhill when I started aggressively talking about my move. He was nothing but supportive about the idea of me moving but when I started talking about logistics he completely shut down. He started ignoring my texts and when I wanted to talk in person just completely shut me out. He turned into a total fuckboy. The most frustrating thing about the whole thing is I ended things with him earlier in the relationship saying that I didn’t want to just be a fuck buddy and he was the one who initiated a real relationship the second time around. I never tried to convince him to be more, he was the one who decided to pursue it. And I understand that his feelings might have changed or they never developed in the way he thought that they would have after a while but then he should have expressed that to me rather than just making up excuses once something major happened. I get that long distance would have been hard and especially not knowing what is in store for the future but the way he handled the whole thing and the way he was totally unclear about the whole thing was so wrong.

The whole thing wasn’t a complete waste of time although he totally did waste my time…. For one, it made me realize that I deserve someone who is going to want to be with me all the time. Not just occassionaly or when it is convenient for them but all the time. I deserve someone who wants to tell me about their life and wants to hear about mine, who wants to introduce me to friends and family rather than hide me, and who is supportive and thinks I deserve the world. It also made me realize that I am ready for this kind of person. Before talking to this kid, I had only been pursuing fuck buddy relationships because I wanted to be single. I loved having the freedom and not having to worry about someone else after doing that for 3 years. I definietly needed the space in order to figure out who I am as a single person. Even though I never lost my identity during my relationship and I made sure to nurture and grow all of my friendships it was important to me to be by myself so that I wouldn’t constantly compare my current relationship to my past one and so that I knew that I could fully commit myself to someone else. This guy showed me that I am ready for that. I was falling for him and started feeling things that I hadn’t felt since I was in my long term relationship. It also showed me that I no longer want a fuck buddy. Being so close to dating someone made me realize how much better it is to actaully  be in a relationship rather just fooling around with people.

It is going to take a bit of time for me to get over this kid because I was excited about pursuing something with him but at the end of the day it is probably for the best. I am moving to a new city with so many different options and now I don’t have to worry about where I stand in a not super stable relationship and rather focus on creating a life for myself. The thing that worries me about the move  is my ‘long distance fuck buddy’ will no longer be long distance. So it’s weird for me to say that I have my fuck buddy is long distance especially when I just ranted about not wanting a fuck buddy but it has been that way for so long that I am just used to it. And for the first time in a year and a half we will be in the same place for an extended period of time. What worries me about this is we have played each other so much in that time and I have mentioned how I’m not falling for him and that it doesn’t mean anything but really I could easily fall for him. Once I move I know he is going to want to hook up and I don’t think I can do it for long because I know he is the biggest fuck boy and that I am going to fall for him and it’s just going to be a mess. But there is a small part of me that believes that there is more to it than us being fuck boys. The way things have happened between us and the timing just makes it seem like there has to be more and I know I am trying to make something out of nothing and this is why there willl be a problem because I will think that it can turn into something more even though I already know he is a fuckboy and that it just won’t.

At this point all I can do is enjoy the next couple of weeks that I have at home, get over this boy and get ready for the next phase of my life.

3.14.16

I am officially moving!!!!!!!!! Since I lived in DC in 2013, I knew that was where I wanted to be. All through senior year I knew that was where I wanted to live, to meet people, to start my own life. To my disappointment, I moved back home after graduation because of a lack of a prospective job. For about nine months now, I have applied to jobs, worked on my resume, talked to connections and still haven’t found anything. I have grown more attached to New Jersey, more attached to my lackluster part-time job, and sort of got comfortable in the thought of staying here rather than working towards moving. While everyone around me has been working toward their future, I have been trying to accept this mediocre life and make it into something that I would be happy in. I don’t know what made me realize that staying in New Jersey is not what I should be doing and that in order to do something with my life I just have to move but either way I have finally said enough, I have to move to DC. And after talking to my parents and hearing them say go for it, I am ready to actually do it. I put in my notice at Barnes and Noble and without a clue of how I am actually going to survive down there, I am now officially moving.

The thought of moving in three weeks is insane but I am so excited and nervous that it’s crazy. It feels amazing to have finally made a decision and to actually pursue it. I feel like since graduation I have been paralyzed by fear, not really making any decisions because they didn’t seem like they would work. And even though living at home hasn’t been bad and I have been making memories and friends which I never want to leave, it is time for me to start working towards being a graduate with a real job, real responsibilities, while still having an amazing time.

I think the best part of this has been the response of all my coworkers at Barnes. People keep coming up to me saying ‘YOU’RE MOVING’ and just being super supportive and excited to see me finally go and do what I’ve been talking about for such a long time. They are all so happy for me and it is that push that really makes me feel like I am making the right decision. I may fall flat on my face but at least I am trying.

2.18.16

In the past two months, I have had multiple interviews with two different companies just to have them both turn me down for other people. Investing so much time and excitement into these opportunities only to have them taken away from you is awful. To say the job search is stressful is an understatement. I have woken up in the middle of the night multiple times stressed about not having a job, I dread having dinner with my parents sometimes because of the conversations of jobs that I know is going to ensue, and I am have absolutely no idea what I am doing at this point. It has been 9 months since graduation and I have been freaking out for most of that time but at this point it completely exhausting.

One of the hardest parts is not knowing whether or not the steps I am taking are actually being productive or if I am even on the right path. It is seriously impossible to figure out what will do the trick in landing a full time job. I have had positive feedback from all the poeple who I have talked to regarding my experience, my disposition, and my interviewing skills and yet none of this has secured me a job.

I have watched almost of all my friends get jobs, move out, be productive and it drives me nuts because I know that I am just as capable of doing all of that and more if I was given the opportunity. And it’s just frustrating because I feel like I am not able to really start living my life because of my lack of income, lack of control over my living situation, and just lack of direction.

At this point, I have applied to a bunch of internship positions at pr firms. I figured that I am okay at getting internship positions so to try and get a paid one and gain communication expereince could be beneficial for landing a full time job as well as gaining a skillset that would help advance my overall career. I have an interview next week with a company for one of these positions which is exciting but also nerve-wracking. Who knows if taking a three month position will actually land me a full time position, but I think it would better position me for the future. I know that there is no right way to live and at this point there are so many paths that I could go down but I would like to actually start going down a path.

The worst part about this whole situation is although I hate not having a job, the idea of changing my life is daunting. I know it is not plausabile to keep working part time for barely any money and to keep living at home and I know I am not happy with it but, I don’t want to lose what I have socially. I am surronded with my best friends which I know I won’t lose them but as much as I hate admiting it I don’t want move away from boy toy. And even though probably in 5 years I am going to laugh at myself for saying this, the situation sucks. There just doesn’t seem like no good options when it comes to him. Like if I stay in NJ with a fulltime job that would be one thing but then I’m afraid that I am going to regret never moving to DC. And if I get this internship and move to DC, I have no idea what happens after that. Like do we keep talking, that doesn’t seem pratical because when am I ever going to move back? Which means we are going to end things which a month ago wouldnt have been a big deal and two months ago wouldn’t have even matter but right now it’s going to suck. I am falling for him so much and I haven’t felt this way in almost two years. I’ve had crushes and hook-ups but nothing close to actually falling in love with someone. I just can’t believe that the longer I stay in NJ the less I want to leave and I can’t believe how much I am actaully letting this way on my decisions…

But all of this is irrevelant if I don’t get the job, which I really do want because it is time that I start my career.